Tough Saturday

Today was a difficult day. I got up at 8 am and started my work for the discussion board in comp. It took me 5 hours to put together, review, then post. After I post, I see a note from the professor that she didn't give us the right instructions. Oh well, my post is a little long and hope it is still going to be satisfactory.

Then I started my math exam, and that took me another 5 hours. This unit in math is difficult and really exhausted me. I ended up missing 4 on the exam. Missing 4 isn't acceptable, because what I missed I flat out did not understand. I decided I need to get help from the math center, in hopes they can explain it in a way that I can understand.

After 10 hours of school work, all I wanted to do was curl up in my bed and hide. I have never put myself into that kind of a school marathon since I have been going to college, and I never want to do it again. It is exhausting. To boot, I don't have anymore contact lenses and have to wear my glasses which are not the right prescription, so I am straining to read. My eyes are so tired.

I hit the blogs for a bit before I shut off my laptop for the rest of the night. My cocker spaniel, Tommy, needs some attention. He did not appreciate me sitting in my chair all day and being on the laptop, ignoring him. Poor little guy he is just staring out the window.

Today is a big day, my grandson Seth is 5 years old today. Of course he has been celebrating his birthday for a week now. First had a birthday party with friends at the park. He had a great day. His daddy was home that week end, so they took advantage and had the party. I didn't go because I have issues, which my daughter respects, her dad [my ex] was there with his significant other and even after 5 years I cannot make myself smile and say hello, even for the sake of the kids. So we had another birthday celebration with me.

We had a great day, went to the Rain Forest Cafe in Tempe, and shopped. Yes I shopped, but I had my daughter with me as a buffer. Oh and the 3 boys, they definitely help me to be able to walk around the mall. I am busy with them, so I don't pay attention to the people around. Plus we went on a Tuesday afternoon, so the mall was less crowded.

I was able to get the outfit for my son's Irish wedding. I will be in green as requested, well mostly green. I have a green top and a black skirt. Then was able to get a black cover-up in case it is chilly in the evening. Vegas still has chilly evenings.

Mostly we had a great day together; we hugged, we laughed, we ate, we played. Now, today is his real birthday date and they are off to McDonalds for an ice cream and play in the playroom; his request and mom said ok. I told him I would call him on his birthday, but he informed me that he didn't have a phone. I said I would call his mom and she would let me talk to him. It was funny, he looked so confused.

So Happy Birthday Seth. Grammy loves you very much.

I really do not like to shop

My son is getting married next month and I need to buy a dress for the wedding. Why can't I wear something I already have in the closet???? Well color, he is getting married on St Patrick's Day, and their colors are emerald green and black. I don't own anything in emerald green. It isn't a popular color right now.

I am not a shopper, I really do not like going to a mall, so I do the Kohls, TJ Maxx, or Ross; something other than the mall. But it takes me days to work up the energy and get myself in the mental state so I can walk into a store. I tried to check on-line but you can't really see the color, and I need to try things on because I have lost so much weight.

Wednesday, my daughter came over to take me to lunch, so we stopped by the store so I could look for a dress. After walking and looking and getting depressed, she found a top in the right color of green. It was in the junior department and I have not been able to wear a junior in years. So I tried on an extra large in juniors, and it was too big. I got a large and it fit great. So that jazzed me that I could wear a large junior. Just so happened she had some Khols Cash, so she offered it to me and I got the top for free. That really excited me. One that the top didn't cost me anything and second that my daughter helped me out. It was great.

Now I need to find a skirt or Capri's to wear with it, so I will have to go into a store once again, but I have time to work up the nerve to do it.

You see, I have this anxiety thing going on which keeps me away from people. I work on it, it is not immobilizing but darn close. I have been known to hyperventilate just thinking about walking into a crowd. The things I have to do are grocery shop. I know I can write my list, go in the store, get what I need, pay and get out. But to shop, try clothes on, interact with people-no hard to do.

I am OK when with someone. They have a purpose in shopping, I can go along, they are my safety net. But if given a choice to go along, I will opt out every time. How sad is that?

Confused and reaching out for help

What to do about the paper due for CompII? I thought for sure I had all my ideas ready and just needed to put down on paper, but now I am thinking about changing topics all together. I researched my paper for autism and found a mountain of information. I was torn which way to go with the paper but still was doing something about autism. Then because I read the discussion wrong, I had to research a second topic. So I did, and what did I find, but another subject that I was curious about and wanted to write that paper as well. I am torn between both topics, each with equal interest, and both would be a great paper. So for the next couple days I am going to read and read and read. I hate reading, but I need to know which topic I can do. Oh the other paper is the genetic link with addiction. I am sure it will depend on which topic can I write a thesis statement that will grab the reader to want to read my paper. Just because the topic holds interest for me, will it for others. So that's where I am today and tomorrow, a decision must be made. Autism and the rise in diagnosis, or Is there a genetic link to addiction.

I'd like to introduce my kids and grandkids. This photo was 2009, Easter. To the far left is my granddaughter Brina, who will be 16 this May, she is holding my grandson Jace, who will belongs to my daughter Mandy, next to Brina. My daughter Kari, who is Brina's mom, then me and my daughter Sarah. Front row, left is Drew, he is Mandy's middle son, then Keeley, Kari is her mom. Next is Seth, Mandy's oldest. And next is Haylie and Chloe, who are Sarah's girls.

Did you follow all that, the grand kids are a little mixed up in the photo. Mandy is my youngest, she has 3 boys, Jace, Drew, and Seth. Next is Sarah, and she has 2 girls, Haylie and Chloe. My oldest daughter is Kari, and she has 2 daughters, Brina and Keeley.

Not pictured is my son, Richard, who has twins Lexis and Jadyn, from his previous marriage. I don't have any recent photos of them. My son is getting married next month on St Patrick's Day in Vegas. I plan on going to the wedding, spending three days in Vegas. Should be alot of fun. I haven't seen my son in about a year and a half, so I am excited to see him. Rich is my oldest, hitting 42 this year. I can't believe it but its true my son is 42 in July. Kari will be 39, Sarah will be 35, and Mandy will be 30. Me, I will hit the big 60.

I am excited to say that since this photo was taken about a year ago, I have lost 30 pounds. Easter last year was the first time all of my girls and their kids have been together in a very long time. I was living in Lake Havaus at the time and all came to Havasu for Easter. We only had a week-end but it was fantastic.

I am hoping that soon we can all get together again. It is hard when everyone lives in different states. It may be awhile, but it will happen. My daughter, Mandy lives in Arizona but is moving back to Colorado in April. It will be nice for my son, who lives in Fairplay, Colorado. He will have some family close. I will miss her and the kids, but I understand it is for her husband's job. It is important.

I guess I am just missing my kids a lot right now, so I wanted to put them on my blog for all to see. Next month, I will have some wedding photos to put on, now that I know how to attach photos.

I find it odd

that for my final in math is a written paper or a power point presentation. I would think that we would have a final exam going over all the math learned this term, but I find no such exam. Of course we take a weekly exam over each unit and they are difficult, but still last term I have a final exam in the previous math class. Oh well I should not complain, but get myself prepared for two papers due this term.

I have been brainstorming my comp II paper and am having second and third thoughts on the subject. I think I need to walk away for a few days and just digest all the articles I have been reading and see if there is a scientific paper in there worth writing. I shouldn't say worth writing, of course it is worth writing, but what I am finding is more controversy than facts. So I may go same topic, but a different avenue.

But back to math, my seminar was tonight and the professor had things so mixed up. It was like she was reading a slide ahead and giving wrong information,then we would question her and she would get back on tract and get it right. Its a good thing most of us had already read the chapter and watched the video before class. Just proves that professors are human too. They make mistakes, and its good that they can laugh at themselves and spend time to give the correct information. Seminar was almost and hour and 40 minutes.

So I get to brush up on my power point, its been over a year since I played with power point. I think I will dazzle her with my presentation and will acknowledge how I will use math in my chosen field. I am sure I won't use much more than basic bookkeeping and hope I don't have to use algebra. Although, my algebra is doing fine, but I really don't like it.

Today was filled with library research and math. I am done with school for the rest of the night. Tomorrow is another day.

Things I Miss

Everything that I miss in my life come from the lack of employment; high on the list, of course is a paycheck and then the list goes on and on.

I miss my children above all else. If I was working I would see them more often. I could travel and spend week ends together. Two of my kids, I haven't seen in over a year. That is so sad. We talk a lot, but it isn't the same as hugging them. I miss my grandchildren. I miss them so much. But on to a lighter note.

I miss getting my hair done by a professional. I am still trying to grow out from a bad haircut. On a whim, I dashed into the hair cut joint at Walmart to clean up the back of my hair. Big mistake, he chopped a chunk out of the side of my hair. He spent the next hour trying to clean it up and finally mentioned how cool it would be to have a haircut with one side shorter than the other. I said, not for me, then he continued to cut. He had no choice but to announce that he made a mistake. Oh and no charge for the haircut. I smiled and said thank you. What could I do? So now I am two months on the grow out and it gets worse everyday.

I miss getting manicures and pedicures every two weeks. I have had artificial nails for more years than I care to remember, but now I am growing my own and need to keep them up myself. They split and crack, and I file. All the while trying to keep them out of my mouth. Yes, I am a habitual nail biter, which is why I kept artificial nails. Do they look nice, hell no, but they will do. After all, I don't go anywhere or see anyone so why does it matter. Years ago, a doctor told me to get pedicures because my toe nails were beginning to show signs of age. Don't you love it when a doctor tells you, your toes are aging fast than the rest of you. So I did and I loved it. It felt so good to sit and have someone else do your toe nails. They always looked nice and I loved the little designs. Plus I never had to try and contort my body into a position to prune the nail. Well, that too has gone into one of the things I miss. I do my own toe nails. I nearly dislocate my hip trying to get my foot in a position so I can reach the nail.

I miss going out to eat, even fast food. Of course my waistline likes the no fast food, but I do miss stopping by the In n Out Burger. I can't even remember the last time I ate a hamburger. I stay away and just eat at home. And that is something else the I miss, cooking. Living alone, I really don't cook real meals. I only cook the quick and easy meals for one. And groceries are carefully purchased, nothing is bought on a a whim. You know when you get that hunger for a roast beef dinner with mashed potatoes and gravy. No, it isn't in the budget.

I miss taking my cocker spaniel to the groomer and getting him bathed, groomed, nails cut, teeth brushed, and ears cleaned. He had over grown so much that a couple weeks ago my daughter and I shaved him. He looks ok, but not as adorable as he looks when he comes back from the groomer. I really miss that. And cleaning his ears, ug, that is a chore.

I miss getting up in the morning and hurrying to get ready for work. I miss putting on make-up. I miss the stress of the day to day routine of work. I miss traveling. I miss my credit cards. I miss driving in traffic. I miss my house being a mess because I don't have time to keep up with the dust. I miss laundry piling up because there is not enough hours in the day to get it done. I really miss buying new clothes. Now that I have lost 30 pounds, I could really use some new clothes.

I am sure there is more but that is enough for now. Maybe I will write next about the things I don't miss like the mail and the monthly reminders.

Feeling Worthless

OK, I just wrote the most depressing blog of my life, and read it over and hit the delete key. Maybe this is a place to empty my soul, but really, who wants to read about a woman who has lost her self-worth.

So now that I emptied my inner most thoughts and feelings and I hit the delete key, means only one thing to me. I have hit the bottom and now there is no place to go but up.

This is very strange. I am sitting in the living room enjoying a cup of much needed coffee. I was checking my email, face book, and then looking through the Internet for articles when "BANG", a pigeon flew right into my picture window. Holy Cow, I nearly jumped clear off my chair. My dog, Tommy was so startled he didn't even bark. I am surprised the glass did not break. I got up looked out the window to see if I had a dead pigeon in the yard. It got up and was staggering off down the driveway.

Thing only good thing about the first week of school, is getting all your work completed before the week end. I am sure that will not happen again for the next nine weeks.

chatting on facebook

I was just chatting with a friend on facebook who is currently in Iraq. Just brings to mind the technology we have today. He sits in Iraq, it is 8 in the morning and just got home from work and me here in Arizona and we are talking back and forth like he is just next door. Amazing.

Last night I was commenting on my daughter's page in facebook about mailing letters when I was her age while she was a mess by not having the Internet for a day.

We definitely are in a different world now from when I was a kid. I am glad that I kept up with the technology. I remember trying to explain how to use a cell phone to my mother. It was impossible to explain to her how to get her voice mail and she was forever shutting off the phone and could never figure out why people were not calling her. Ultimately the phone was lost, I think it got tossed out in the trash by mistake. Bless her heart, she passed away in 2008. Mom, I love you and think of you every single day and miss you with all my heart.

First Impression of Class

The first seminar is usually information only and we really don't get into the meat of the class until week 2 or 3. Class was large, but as I have learned in previous classes the first seminar is attended by all and then slowly loose classmates after a week or so. We had 20 on-line. It is nice to see that many active participants at seminar. It makes for a lot of discussions to read and respond. It will be a busy week with discussion, blogging, and exercises.

The format of our units has changed and that will take me some getting used to. It is a good thing it was brought up during seminar or I would have missed things that needed to be completed for this week.

I look forward to blogging and actually am excited about the scientific paper for our final project. In Comp I, the paper due was informational and the professor told me I was writing with a bias, like I was trying to persuade the reader to my opinion. Had to change it completely since it was only information. This paper is one I really think I will like writing. Now to find the subject matter.

Second year of school begins

This term is the last of my core classes needed towards my degree. I have found that going to college has been challenging. What started as a filler of my time after being laid off, has turned into an extremely fullfilling adventure.

It has been forty years since I have been in school. I have completed the first year and am so proud of my accomplishments. It has been challenging to say the least.

I am not sure if blogging is something I will like to do, but here I am.