Denied

My unemployment was denied. I have been on unemployment for a year. After all the tiers have run, I had to re-open my claim. So I did, and they came back with a "no" because I have no reported income from 10-08 to 12-08, that is not true. So now I need to call them and see what's up.

The phone is continually busy, but I keep trying. I will get through, and get things straightened out.

I still may be denied, but I did work those two months and should have a report of income. Maybe I will get a few more weeks, anything will help. I am getting set up with temp agencies within the next few weeks. Since I have no unemployment, I can work temp jobs so money comes in.

So today I will write my abstract for my final paper. That should take me a few days to get right. Then I need to prepare a power point for my final project in math. Thank goodness we do not have to do a final exam. WooHoo. The project will still be difficult. Everything is due next week, so the time is right to find a temp job. Get finals done, relax just a bit and focus on getting work.

My friend says don't worry about paying rent that things will be fine. She says for me to just focus on school and finding a job. I can start paying rent when I have money coming in. I refuse to let her buy things for me. Oh my goodness, that would absolutely kill me to have to ask someone for money to buy toilet paper, toothpaste, or hairspray. I have a little savings stashed away, so I will use it. It upsets me for her to even offer to pay for something I need. I need nothing and will never ask for help. It is bad enough that I have moved into her house. It does not feel like home. It feels like limbo.

And yes, I know if the tables were turned, I would do the same. I would offer my home and she could stay with me as long as she needed to. So I try to remember that. I have always been the "go to person" and I have never had a "go to person" in my life. So this is very strange and very unforgiving.

Well on to my abstract.

Relax and Energize

It is time to now just relax and energize for the rest of the week. Last week end was moving, then cleaned all week long at old place and new place. Then spent Friday, all day, and part of Saturday to get ready for the annual slumber party at my friend's house [which just happens to be where I am living now; temporary].

She has this slumber party every year for the past five years. About 10 of us get together and just get away from life for a night of fun and games. The women are married, single, or divorced-some have kids, some do not. But it is a chance to just get away from home. I started coming when I still lived in Denver. I would fly in from Denver to Phoenix, and one year flew in from Tulsa to Phoenix, and I would stay the week end, but now that I live in Arizona, I would just stay the night.

So the party was last night, we had food, oh my gosh did we have food, a lot of wine and beer, huge fire in the pit out back. We played some silly games. We watched the movie Hangover and laughed out loud. Got to bed at around 2 AM, up at 8 AM for coffee and chocolate croissants. Now the party is over, everyone has gone home. We cleaned up again and now resting.

Usually, I would go home but I live here now, so I am hiding away in my room, blogging, and then will get on with my comp. paper and math project. You know even though I am living here, it still does not feel like home to me. It feels like I am just staying for the week end and will pack soon to go home. But not gonna happen. I need to stay here maybe 6 months. So I need to get on with acceptance of my living situation and make the best of it.

But the party was fun.

The move is nearly over

I moved in with a friend after getting back from Vegas last Friday. My daughter and her husband came from California to help me move my stuff to storage. My other daughter, who lives here in AZ, came with her husband to help too. Got everything moved, and also got the few things I was bringing with me to my friend's house brought here as well.

Having so much help, got it done in one day. I was only expecting to get the storage stuff done. So big bonus to get both moves completed.

Now I need to go over to my house and clean it. I still have cleaning stuff and some clothes to move over here, but actually school interfered with it. Funny, school interfered with my move. Gosh, with being away for 4 days, getting back, and staying up until all hours of the night, I was able to meet my deadlines. I was so worried that time would get away from me.

Week eight in school will be a busy one, but at least I won't have anything else getting in the way so I can concentrate of my studies. I push myself really hard in school and giving up 5 of my 7 days for the past unit was really hard on me. I felt scattered and hurried. Since I do not work, I usually give at least 5 hours every day to school. Not only for my comp. class but for my math class as well.

In math we were doing empirical and theoretical probabilities and reading the text just wasn't working for me. I missed the seminar, but since math has 3 different times I can go, I was able to catch a seminar Sunday evening. It was still a difficult unit, but its done now and I did well on the exam. This week we move on to statistics. Should be another difficult week in math, but at least I will be able to devote more time and not trying to cram a whole week into a couple days.

As far as my never ending saga about my son and his "made for TV movie" life, he is still in Texas. He is still sober. He was able to get the car, so he can now find some part-time work. The girlfriend, well who knows at this point what will happen with her. But my son is staying by her side, and says he is all she has and he will be there for her when she gets well and can come back. He loves her, and knows she will get better and all will be good again.

Getting back on track

As many who have read my blog know there was supposed to be a wedding on St Patrick's Day, my son was going to get married. Many things went wrong during the past few weeks and there was no wedding. However, my hotel was already booked and paid for, so I went anyway. A good friend of mine and I went to Vegas on a shoestring budget and stayed at the Luxor for 4 days and 3 nights.

While Vegas is a fun place to be, when you are like me and cannot afford to gamble, it was a horrible time. I was worried about my son, my upcoming move, my classes I was missing, and how do I make it from here. I put on a happy face and really tried to be fun and this is awesome, but inside I was miserable.

My son compounded that misery, when he phoned me Thursday morning needing money wired to him right away. It seems the calmness that he portrayed the few days prior came to a halt, when his girlfriend went after him with a butcher knife on Wednesday and stabbed him in the arm. He is ok, but now she is in jail. They filed charges against her assault with a deadly weapon. My son did not press charges, but the state did. He loves her even though she has a mental illness. He says she is still in there and needs helps to get back to reality.

So now he is broke, no car, Texas motel, and a girlfriend in jail. They managed to pay rent on the motel until the end of the month. Sold the car they had and bought a cheaper one, and got cash back to pay the motel and should have got food; but she went manic and took off in the car and spent all the left over cash on a ring. So on her return to the motel all hell broke loose, and ultimately ended with her stabbing my son. Off to jail she goes with the car keys around her neck. Since he is not on the title, they will not release the keys to him and she won't release them because she thinks he is going to drive off and leave her in Texas.

I had a terrible hang-over from overindulging on St Patrick's day at the Casino. I am a light weight when it comes to drinking, so it didn't take much for me to have a horrible hangover. He calls me and I need to find an ATM and a Western Union in Vegas at 8 in the morning. My friend is telling my no don't do it, you are just enabling him. He has to learn a lesson, what will happen if you don't send him money, and on and on and on.

Sure I would love to say no. And probably should say no, but he is my son and he is in a strange city with a crazy girlfriend, who tried to kill him. And he was sober. I just went and sent the money. I listened to her lecture me, and sent the money. I listened to her try and control my thoughts about my children and dismissed them. Needless to say, the rest of our visit to Vegas was not so pleasant.

I had Internet at the hotel and attempted to do my class work and tried to go to seminar, but the connection was so bad and kept dropping me that it made it impossible to attend. Vegas is no place to try and go to school. So I opted to do the option 2, and just try and have some fun. This was Wednesday, of course, before the horrors of Thursday hit home, hard.

I did explain, but I sincerely doubt he heard me, that if he used any of this money for booze, I would no longer speak with him. Just consider me dead to him. I was done. Yes, I have been done before and he always sucks me in. But I simply do not have the cash to send him to bail him out of problems. He gets SSI, and the one hundred bucks I sent him will tide him over until his SSI check comes. And he did get a change of address in time. But I am cash poor these days and am having to move out of my home and move in with a friend because I can't make it any any longer.

So the reality is this, son is sober living in Texas, his girlfriend in jail with assault charges, and me trying to finish school so I can get a job and get on with my life. But one great thing, my daughter and family are here from California to help me transition over to my friend's house and get my stuff into storage.

This is my story, why I missed unit 7 seminar.

Found Again

I don't know how much of this roller coaster ride I can take. My son is found; when he was discharged from St Anthony's Hospital in Denver, they sent him to Arapaho House in Lakewood, which is a detox center. He was there for 48 hours. Since he had no phone and could not remember my phone number, he did not call. They let him out yesterday morning. He called his ex-wife, it was the only number he could remember. She picked him up and he got hold of me through facebook. He knew I would be on-line and I saw him message. I called and explained what I had been through, worried, scared, panicked; Told him the Maureen was looking for him but I didn't know where she was, but knew the general area she was in on Friday evening. Then a couple hours later, Maureen called me. She got scared of the dark and was cold and of course in a manic state, that she said she called 911 and had them get her. Said she was in the hospital getting calm and they gave her bus fare to get her car and now she gave me her location. I reached my son and told him where she was. So as of about 3 PM yesterday, they are together. I know they are alive, together, and hopefully he can convince her that she is safe and they can go back to Fairplay. But he is sober, completely 100% sober and that is good. The best news of all is he is sober and will not slip again, at least not for 4 or 5 months. I think the wedding is off, but who really knows. My friend and I are still leaving tomorrow for Vegas, we have already paid for the room. She really wants to go because this is the last mini vacation she can take until her busy season is over. It is important to her and she has been planning and prepping for this trip. So we are going. I thought I would not be able to attend my classes, but I think since there isn't a wedding, and will have Internet access in the room, I will still attend. Its only an hour, and is important to me. Only a wedding was going to keep me from seminar. I am not so worried now so I can focus on packing for my next week end move, and get my studies done. Wow, what a week. I live a solitary life, but life still keeps happening to those I love all around me. Now, I can just breath........

Gone Again

While I go through the motions of writing my paper, doing my math exam, I feel like nothing is getting in because my thoughts go to my son. He is lost, not just mentally, but truly lost. The last communication I had with him was Wednesday morning, it was a text message. It is now Saturday and I don't know where he is. The last I knew, he left to pick up his girl friend from the hospital in Denver on Thursday. Now she has his phone, all of his belongings, his cash, and no one knows where he is. They were on their was back to Fairplay, which is in the mountains, stopped in Idaho Springs at a motel. I don't know why, its a couple hour drive. I heard from his girlfriend that the police took him away and he was in the hospital. I called St Anthony's hospital and they had a patient in the ER by his name and he was released. They will not give my any information. I called the girlfriend, she is in a continual manic state. She makes little sense, from what I can piece together, she wants to leave the country because we a doomed to destruction and she wants out, he didn't want to go, and started yelling. So another person in the motel called the police. She said they took him to the hospital because she said he was not violent just drunk. She would not tell me where is was said someone was after her, and its all in her imagination. Said she packed her car with everything they own and is leaving the country. Then she called crying saying she couldn't save him and is going to get him. But she doesn't know where he is. She kept calling me last night until 11, still trying to find him and doesn't know where he is, she is lost in Denver in a manic state. Since 11 last night the phone is off and I cannot find her or him. I don't know if she found him. I don't know if she got picked up for being in such an emotional mental state. I am scared, worried, and in panic mode. No news is not good news. Not with him, no news is always bad. Her family is in Florida, she said she is heading to Florida then moving to the Bahamas. Crazy talk. But where is my son.

The Great Escape

I just escaped the long are of the law. Oh my Gosh, I was coming home just now from a friend's house and got stopped by the police just before turning into my community. I live in Arizona, which many already know, but my license plates expired at the end of February. Now in Colorado, you have 30 days past the expiration month to get your plates. I only discovered that this was not the case in Arizona. February came and went and I totally forgot to get my plates. I remembered just last week. Its March..... You can get your plates on-line so I went on-line and still needed to change my address from Lake Havasu to Apache Junction. So unfortunately for me I changed my address before I got plates, well in Havasu you don't need an emission sticker, but here you do. So I could not get my plates until I got an emission test. Believe it or not, I got my emission today, but was waiting 24 hours to make sure the state has the record, so was getting plates tomorrow. OH and another thing, I changed my insurance to Esurance, it is so much cheaper than what I had. And I didn't have a current insurance card in my car and expired plates. AND to make it worse I had a couple beers at my friend's house watching American Idol. Its now 11 PM and the beers I drank were at 7 PM so I was fine to drive. So he pulls me over for my expired tags, I explain, he takes my license and off to his car he goes. Mean while I am wondering if I smell like booze that I drank 3 hour before I drove. So I pop a mint and spray fabreeze, just in case. I do not drink and drive. It was hours before I got behind the wheel. He comes back and I explained about laws in Colorado and that I was getting them tomorrow. He asked for my insurance, and again I explained that I just changed insurance and did not have a copy in the car, but if he wanted to follow me to my house I would print it out. He just said I have a cute dog, (my cocker spaniel, Tom, was sitting in the front seat, he refused to get in the back) and that he was giving me a verbal warning and to take care of things right away. There is no 30 days in Arizona. I said thank you and drove home. Did I just get the break of a life-time, yes I did. I will take care of everything first thing in the morning. I promise I do not drink and drive.

Introduction complete

Ok so back to school. I realize that this week we need to submit our draft, I am so not ready to have my draft complete. It took me days just to complete my first paragraph. It usually sets the paper for me and it is important to me to get it right. I had trouble with it, but I think I captured what I want to say. So now on to the rest of the paper. We have a week, so if I write a little everyday, I will make it. And it is a draft so it doesn't have to be perfect.

Kind of funny though, writing the draft and then doing an outline. But when reading about it, it made sense to me. It should help a lot with the flow of the paper. But first the draft, my head is spinning. The articles that I found have so much information and I have read them over and over. Now to try and write what I read.

Wish me luck my fellow classmates. The time is now, what do I remember about what I read.

The Lost is Found

I heard from my son this morning. He didn't call, nor did he answer when I called, but I received a text message. The text was coherent, so I am assuming he is not falling down drunk, but sober enough to type straight and the comment was more than just "Im fine". He actually let me know his girlfriend was coming home on Thursday and that he was sober and hating it. So I think he may be on his way back.

I didn't sleep last night, tossed, turned, and stared at the TV not really knowing what was on. I will be ready to sleep early tonight. I am sure that I slept some, but just not a restful sleep.

But with my mind and heart at ease for the time being, I am going to tackle my comp paper working on the draft and get a head start on my math for this week's unit. Next week, the 17th, I won't be in seminar- it's the wedding. At least I think so.

Missing

I am very worried, cannot get hold of my son. I am so worried. He is very unstable. He has not answered my calls or texts. I know he didn't before but then I suspected he was drinking but now I know he is. When he drinks he sinks further into a depression. I am afraid. He lives in Colorado and I am in Arizona. It isn't like I can just go see if he is OK. I don't know anyone in the little mountain he lives in to go check on him. His girlfriend is in the hospital, so no one is there to check on him. When he stops drinking, he may have a seizure. Alone, there is no one to help him; he can aspirate. It has happened before and put him in the hospital for months. My mind says he is just ignoring my call because he is drinking and he knows I know his voice and can tell. He can't hide it from me even though he attempts to lie and tell me he isn't drinking. But my heart knows something is wrong. I will wait one more day and send the police to check on him. I don't know what else to do. They have friends, though I don't know them, but maybe someone will stop by. One thing I hear years ago that an alcoholic hold all who love them hostage. Alcoholism is not just a single individual disease, it is a family disease. I hope he is alright, I hope I can sleep.

This week is very unsettling. I have not heard from my son for several days and when that happens I always get suspicious that he is drinking. I called and called, no answer. I sent him texts and still no reply, finally on Wednesday, he sent me a text saying he was ok. Still worried, but ok, I left it at that.

Then my daughter called me and told me he left her a message, crying and he sounded drunk. I finally got him to answer my calls and was so disappointed to hear that he had started drinking again. He said it has been 6 months, I think its been 4, but if he says 6, I will go with 6 months. This is the longest stretched on continual time for him to be sober.

Many things happened in his personal life that he could not handle. He felt he had let everyone he cares about down and he started drinking. One led to another and to another and to a week long binge. We talked for an hour, I am sure I did not get through to him. I said he would quit right then, but when I talked to him yesterday he was still drunk. I haven't called yet today, I don't want to hear that slur and stammer trying to act like he is sober when he isn't.

I have listened to the voice for 20 years and know the sound. He cannot fool me.

He is supposed to be getting married in Las Vegas on the 17th of March. I wonder if it will happen and I wonder if it should. I try not to judge, and try to give him words of encouragement. I tell him that it is just a relapse and he can get back on track. We have gone through so many battles for so many years. He even lived on the street for a year; drunk and homeless. He can do it and he says he wants to.

He has been to rehab, hospitalized so many times I just can't remember them all, in and out of several relationships, nearly died once, broke his neck, has seizures; yet he continues to drink his troubles away. I understand addiction, which has led to my paper on genetics and addiction, but he is also being treated for manic depression. When he takes his medication, he seems to leave the booze alone. But he doesn't like the way he feels on the medication. It is so sad.

His girlfriend is bi-polar. They met in group mental health meetings when my mother passed away. He nearly killed himself when she died, but he got help. They seem to be happy with each other. Each one helping the other. But she went off her medication and went into a manic state and ended up in the hospital, which in-turn sent him down this path of self-destruction. She is in the hospital right now and they seem to be still planning on getting married in 10 days. I don't know when she is getting out of the hospital, guess when they get her meds right and feel she will take them.

Her parents live in Florida, like I live in Arizona, and they live in Fairplay, Colorado. Both are adults and responsible for themselves. I am sure they feel as I do as long as they have each other, neither becomes dependent of us. It is a terrible way to feel, but emotionally I cannot handle his addiction.

He has lived with me off and on and each time it ends with me kicking him out because he is so drunk that I fear for my life. There are rules when he is with me; sober, regular AA meetings, and cleanliness. Seems like simple rules, but for an alcoholic they are to hard to comply. Now I am moving in with a friend because I can't make it on my own any longer, so he has no home to come back to. He has to make it.

What a mess, such drama. I love him, he is my son. I care about his well being.

packing

Well the economy has kicked me where it hurts, not only was I laid off a year ago and still not working, but now I am giving up my house and my independence and moving in with a friend. I know it is only temporary and she is a really good friend to open her home up to me, but it is still very hard. So I am digging out the boxes from the garage and getting all my precious things packed away. All I need to take with me to her place is my bedroom furniture and clothes. I know in my heart that it will be fine, but still there are no words to express what I feel in my heart. I am sad beyond belief.

My focus still remains on school and getting the best grades possible. I have to get work before I finish school, something, anything. Living with a friend will be less rent, so my monthly expenses will be so much easier to handle on my unemployment. It ends on March 21, and don't know if I can get an extension. I am praying for a job so I don't have to file for an extension.

Then when I finish school, I am so praying that I find a job in my chosen career of medical office management. I won't have experience, but will have the education.

So this move is temporary and I believe 100% it is temporary. Now I know how my daughter felt, when they had to move in with me. I opened my home to my kids to help them get on their feet and would do it again in a heartbeat. So I need to just relax and move and be thankful that I have a friend who is in a position to open her home up for me. I can't move in with my daughter, she is getting ready to move back to Colorado. And my other children live in different states, so moving with them is out of the question. I love Arizona and want to stay here.

It will be a busy month; packing, storing, moving, and going to my son's wedding. And oh yeah, school; free writing, draft, final all at the same time; not to mention my math class as well which is kicking my butt.

Well until next post......

Social Anxiety Disorder

I was researching information on the web for my comp paper and found this social anxiety disorder so I clicked on it and oh my gosh, it was like the author reached in my mind and wrote about it.

I have suffered with this all my life. I never knew it had a label. But I guess any issue a person has can be labeled. When I was married and my children were young, I always had them as a buffer. You know someone to hold your as you walked through a store. Even holding a baby in your arms was comforting when out in public. People around you don't see you, they see who you are with. I was always able to just disappear into the background.

When I was working I was always around the familiar, so it wasn't so bad. I traveled because I had to, but after the initial anxiety of going through the airport and being on the plane, I would arrive and be around familiar people, co-workers. But I always stayed in the hotel and ordered room service because I could not make myself go to the restaurant. I am not working now and haven't worked for a year and going on an interview is torture. I wish I trusted those work-at-home offers, I would do that in a heartbeat. I am afraid of them.

Now that I am alone, this disorder is 10 times worse. I never leave my house unless I absolutely have to. I do the necessary; get groceries, gas in my car, pay the rent, go to the bank, let my friend's puppy out to potty. That is the extent of my outside travel. I could never have stepped foot into a traditional school, but on-line works.

Last Comp. class it took me two weeks to go to the library to get a library card and check out a book. Which put me into a marathon race to finish my paper. This class I can get everything on-line and don't have to leave the comfort of my home, three cheers for that.

All of my adult life I have suffered from this, so now how do I change. I don't take anti-depressants, I am not depressed. People have told me that I am, but I am really not. I took them once when I was first separated, and they didn't help the anxiety. So now what, what do I do with the information. It takes me days to make a phone call. Just knowing will help. Eventually I will make a call to a doctor and see what I can do.