This week is very unsettling. I have not heard from my son for several days and when that happens I always get suspicious that he is drinking. I called and called, no answer. I sent him texts and still no reply, finally on Wednesday, he sent me a text saying he was ok. Still worried, but ok, I left it at that.

Then my daughter called me and told me he left her a message, crying and he sounded drunk. I finally got him to answer my calls and was so disappointed to hear that he had started drinking again. He said it has been 6 months, I think its been 4, but if he says 6, I will go with 6 months. This is the longest stretched on continual time for him to be sober.

Many things happened in his personal life that he could not handle. He felt he had let everyone he cares about down and he started drinking. One led to another and to another and to a week long binge. We talked for an hour, I am sure I did not get through to him. I said he would quit right then, but when I talked to him yesterday he was still drunk. I haven't called yet today, I don't want to hear that slur and stammer trying to act like he is sober when he isn't.

I have listened to the voice for 20 years and know the sound. He cannot fool me.

He is supposed to be getting married in Las Vegas on the 17th of March. I wonder if it will happen and I wonder if it should. I try not to judge, and try to give him words of encouragement. I tell him that it is just a relapse and he can get back on track. We have gone through so many battles for so many years. He even lived on the street for a year; drunk and homeless. He can do it and he says he wants to.

He has been to rehab, hospitalized so many times I just can't remember them all, in and out of several relationships, nearly died once, broke his neck, has seizures; yet he continues to drink his troubles away. I understand addiction, which has led to my paper on genetics and addiction, but he is also being treated for manic depression. When he takes his medication, he seems to leave the booze alone. But he doesn't like the way he feels on the medication. It is so sad.

His girlfriend is bi-polar. They met in group mental health meetings when my mother passed away. He nearly killed himself when she died, but he got help. They seem to be happy with each other. Each one helping the other. But she went off her medication and went into a manic state and ended up in the hospital, which in-turn sent him down this path of self-destruction. She is in the hospital right now and they seem to be still planning on getting married in 10 days. I don't know when she is getting out of the hospital, guess when they get her meds right and feel she will take them.

Her parents live in Florida, like I live in Arizona, and they live in Fairplay, Colorado. Both are adults and responsible for themselves. I am sure they feel as I do as long as they have each other, neither becomes dependent of us. It is a terrible way to feel, but emotionally I cannot handle his addiction.

He has lived with me off and on and each time it ends with me kicking him out because he is so drunk that I fear for my life. There are rules when he is with me; sober, regular AA meetings, and cleanliness. Seems like simple rules, but for an alcoholic they are to hard to comply. Now I am moving in with a friend because I can't make it on my own any longer, so he has no home to come back to. He has to make it.

What a mess, such drama. I love him, he is my son. I care about his well being.