I am heading to California to visit my daughter for a couple weeks. I will be doing some work for her to help her with a data entry task for patient files. It will help me to get some office experience that I can use on a resume. Maybe will help me to get a job.
While there I am going to look for a job in and around Temecula where they live. Also going to check out the rental market to see if I can afford to live there.
No jobs in Arizona. I have been here a little over a year and nothing. The web sites and newspaper always show thousands of jobs open in Phoenix and surrounding areas, but there aren't. It is all a scam. I have had more response answering ads on Craig's List. But am Leary of that too. It is all in who you know and who can help you get in the door. I don't have business contacts in Arizona, so I am not getting in the door.
I am hoping that California will work out for me. I think I would like green grass instead of rock and dirt. AZ has been nice, its great seeing daughter, Mandy and kids. It is nice being with my friends, but I need employment. One of my friends recently got a job in Beverly Hills after being out of work the same period of time that I have been unemployed. He is so happy. He could not find anything in Colorado, but California came through. So I am looking.
It doesn't matter where I live, I can still finish school. And thank goodness school starts up again tomorrow. The break is nice, but I get so bored when I don't have homework to do or a paper to write. I really get into my school work, trying to do my very best. This last year of school will be even more challenging since it is mainly focused on the medical industry. The first year was full of core classes for my degree. I could draw on previous knowledge to help me, but now the medical stuff will be all new.
My externship will start at the end of the year. I checked my degree plan and it is only 90 hours, so that's good. That is only about two weeks of working with no pay. Hopefully I will already have a job, so that I can use vacation time to do my externship. I will cross that bridge when it gets here.
Time to do laundry and get packed. I am so excited to take a road trip. My travel companion, my cocker spaniel, Tom, loves to go on a road trip. He gets so excited to get in the car. He just sleeps, but it is always nice to know he is with me.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Tough place to be
It is a very tough place to be at this point in my life. I am nearly 60, homeless, jobless, broke, and alone. Kind of sucks to be me; oh but wait, at least I've got my health.
So while counting my blessings; I have 4 fabulous children, who have managed to find awesome spouses to share their lives and have produced some of the most outstanding children. I would have to say that I have left my mark during my time one earth.
God has blessed me; truly blessed me. I may be lonely, I may not have a job, I may not have a home of my own, but He has blessed me to continue on and watch my grandchildren grow up. No, this is not where I want to be, but from some strange reason, it is where I am. I am sure there is a lesson being learned. I just have to meditate,open my heart, and listen to the message. Lord knows I have the time.
I worry about my eldest; my son is a mess. Some his doing, some not, but either way it is a path he chose to follow and now must face the music. He will be fine. There isn't much I can do to help him. I encourage him to stay positive. I let him know that I love him. I let him know that life is full of surprises, and there will be something good just around the corner. He has turned his life upside down for the woman he loves. He is angry and not dealing very well with the loneliness. But he won't leave her. He will wait until she is back in his arms again.
I don't worry about my girls. They each have strong husbands and life is unfolding with ups and downs, but nothing they cannot handle. Each is strong in faith and strong in their family values.
I wish we could all live in the same state, same city, hey even within walking distance; so we could all be together for Sunday dinner. It is a dream that helps me to fall asleep at night.
So I am not where I want to be in my life; but I am getting by each and everyday. I have my family that I cherish. I have friends that help me to keep an open mind and positive outlook. So come on, now, get me out of here, working, and maybe someday I might even open my heart to a new man in my life. I might be just about ready to start dating again. Almost, just about ready to think about dating again.
So while counting my blessings; I have 4 fabulous children, who have managed to find awesome spouses to share their lives and have produced some of the most outstanding children. I would have to say that I have left my mark during my time one earth.
God has blessed me; truly blessed me. I may be lonely, I may not have a job, I may not have a home of my own, but He has blessed me to continue on and watch my grandchildren grow up. No, this is not where I want to be, but from some strange reason, it is where I am. I am sure there is a lesson being learned. I just have to meditate,open my heart, and listen to the message. Lord knows I have the time.
I worry about my eldest; my son is a mess. Some his doing, some not, but either way it is a path he chose to follow and now must face the music. He will be fine. There isn't much I can do to help him. I encourage him to stay positive. I let him know that I love him. I let him know that life is full of surprises, and there will be something good just around the corner. He has turned his life upside down for the woman he loves. He is angry and not dealing very well with the loneliness. But he won't leave her. He will wait until she is back in his arms again.
I don't worry about my girls. They each have strong husbands and life is unfolding with ups and downs, but nothing they cannot handle. Each is strong in faith and strong in their family values.
I wish we could all live in the same state, same city, hey even within walking distance; so we could all be together for Sunday dinner. It is a dream that helps me to fall asleep at night.
So I am not where I want to be in my life; but I am getting by each and everyday. I have my family that I cherish. I have friends that help me to keep an open mind and positive outlook. So come on, now, get me out of here, working, and maybe someday I might even open my heart to a new man in my life. I might be just about ready to start dating again. Almost, just about ready to think about dating again.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Grades are in
I am pleased with my grades from both my classes. I work very hard and put a lot of pressure on myself to succeed. Since I do not work, I have the time to devote to my classes. When I finally get a job, I will continue to strive for the best. I set a standard for myself and the person in life I do not want to disappoint is, me.
I am still actively seeking employment. My unemployment extension came through and that pleases me. It is not the same as working, but at least now I can relax a bit and search for jobs in the field I am working towards.
Arizona is my state of choice, but I am now looking for jobs in California. I have a daughter in Temecula, just north of San Diego. She works as a medical office manager for a group of doctors. She may be the link I need to break into the field.
I was going to move to California when I was first laid off but the fear of not having a job and the high cost of living scared me off. I moved to Arizona, where I knew I could afford to live while searching for work. Then, after a month, I started school. School was an afterthought when the job I thought was perfect for me did not work out. So I poured myself into school for the first year and looked for work but was not totally serious. When I started getting serious about working again, it has really been hard.
I have sent my resume to over 500 jobs through job boards on the Internet and direct to websites for employers who were hiring. I have had 3 personal interviews, which none developed into any offers of employment. I have to keep a log of my job search for the unemployment office.
I feel bad that I have not had a job offer. I feel like all the years of experience add up to nothing. When leaving my company I was making a great salary. It was enough for me to afford to own my own home, two as a matter of fact [one a rental], and to be able to not live paycheck to paycheck. I had savings and a padded checking account. I was in a good place financially. I did not like living in Oklahoma, and that was my down fall. When I was laid off, all I wanted to do was get out of Oklahoma and move somewhere warm.
The ice storms and summer humidity where too much for me to handle. I grew up in Colorado, so snow and cold didn't really bother me, but the ice was horrid. And in Colorado, I did not live in a humid climate. While my skin and hair loved the humidity, I did not. I didn't want to go back to Colorado, I only wanted to live where the weather was warm all year round. So I made the sacrifice and moved when my house sold. Little did I know that Arizona was hit so hard by the economy.
It seems the California may be my new home. I will not make a move until I have a job. If I get work, then I will pack up the truck and away I go.
I have many friends in Arizona, and one of my daughters lives here. But by the end of this year, she and her family will be moving back to Colorado. I have a daughter in Minnesota, but no way, it is way to cold there in the winter. My son is now in Texas, and who knows how long he will be there. As many previous blogs, he is not in a good place emotionally. So California is looking good.
As I started, grades are in and I am pleased. It gives me the encouragement to continue college and get my degree. I hope that employers will see the hard work that I have put into school and know that I will work equally hard for them as an employee.
I am still actively seeking employment. My unemployment extension came through and that pleases me. It is not the same as working, but at least now I can relax a bit and search for jobs in the field I am working towards.
Arizona is my state of choice, but I am now looking for jobs in California. I have a daughter in Temecula, just north of San Diego. She works as a medical office manager for a group of doctors. She may be the link I need to break into the field.
I was going to move to California when I was first laid off but the fear of not having a job and the high cost of living scared me off. I moved to Arizona, where I knew I could afford to live while searching for work. Then, after a month, I started school. School was an afterthought when the job I thought was perfect for me did not work out. So I poured myself into school for the first year and looked for work but was not totally serious. When I started getting serious about working again, it has really been hard.
I have sent my resume to over 500 jobs through job boards on the Internet and direct to websites for employers who were hiring. I have had 3 personal interviews, which none developed into any offers of employment. I have to keep a log of my job search for the unemployment office.
I feel bad that I have not had a job offer. I feel like all the years of experience add up to nothing. When leaving my company I was making a great salary. It was enough for me to afford to own my own home, two as a matter of fact [one a rental], and to be able to not live paycheck to paycheck. I had savings and a padded checking account. I was in a good place financially. I did not like living in Oklahoma, and that was my down fall. When I was laid off, all I wanted to do was get out of Oklahoma and move somewhere warm.
The ice storms and summer humidity where too much for me to handle. I grew up in Colorado, so snow and cold didn't really bother me, but the ice was horrid. And in Colorado, I did not live in a humid climate. While my skin and hair loved the humidity, I did not. I didn't want to go back to Colorado, I only wanted to live where the weather was warm all year round. So I made the sacrifice and moved when my house sold. Little did I know that Arizona was hit so hard by the economy.
It seems the California may be my new home. I will not make a move until I have a job. If I get work, then I will pack up the truck and away I go.
I have many friends in Arizona, and one of my daughters lives here. But by the end of this year, she and her family will be moving back to Colorado. I have a daughter in Minnesota, but no way, it is way to cold there in the winter. My son is now in Texas, and who knows how long he will be there. As many previous blogs, he is not in a good place emotionally. So California is looking good.
As I started, grades are in and I am pleased. It gives me the encouragement to continue college and get my degree. I hope that employers will see the hard work that I have put into school and know that I will work equally hard for them as an employee.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Patience, Wish I had some
I keep checking the grade book for my classes. I know, grade do not have to be in until next week, but I as noted, do not have much patience.
I just needed to see something great. I had my appointment with the bankruptcy attorney this morning, paid the retainer, and now the bankruptcy is in the works. It is sad. I feel no relief, just feel like a slug for not being able to meet my credit obligations.
I paid all my bills on time and always more than what was due for the past year, even though I was unemployed. But when I ran out of savings, it was rent and food, or bills. I chose to pay the rent. I moved in with a friend and gave up my own place, but I still can not afford to pay my debts.
If you miss one month, you can't pay two months, and if you miss two months, there is no way to pay three. I can't get things back on tract without paying the back payments that I missed. I had great credit, and took pride in myself for having a high credit score. But, now, the decision I made ruined that for me. My credit is in the toilet.
My attorney did his best to assure me that it is the economy and not to beat myself up over it. I will recover from this and be stronger for it. I have downsized my life so much over the past year that it does not require me to make a lot of money to live comfortable. Now, with only receiving unemployment, living with a friend, I can make it. But I need to work. I need purpose. Yes, absolutely, getting my degree gives me purpose; but a job would be so awesome.
I miss not having any classwork to do. This past week was so boring and this week will be about the same. I have decided to clean the carpets in the house, just because I need to fill up countless hours during the day. If I stretch it out, I might fill up 3 days, its a big house. I thought about doing volunteer work, but thats as far as I got with it; thinking about it.
I just needed to see something great. I had my appointment with the bankruptcy attorney this morning, paid the retainer, and now the bankruptcy is in the works. It is sad. I feel no relief, just feel like a slug for not being able to meet my credit obligations.
I paid all my bills on time and always more than what was due for the past year, even though I was unemployed. But when I ran out of savings, it was rent and food, or bills. I chose to pay the rent. I moved in with a friend and gave up my own place, but I still can not afford to pay my debts.
If you miss one month, you can't pay two months, and if you miss two months, there is no way to pay three. I can't get things back on tract without paying the back payments that I missed. I had great credit, and took pride in myself for having a high credit score. But, now, the decision I made ruined that for me. My credit is in the toilet.
My attorney did his best to assure me that it is the economy and not to beat myself up over it. I will recover from this and be stronger for it. I have downsized my life so much over the past year that it does not require me to make a lot of money to live comfortable. Now, with only receiving unemployment, living with a friend, I can make it. But I need to work. I need purpose. Yes, absolutely, getting my degree gives me purpose; but a job would be so awesome.
I miss not having any classwork to do. This past week was so boring and this week will be about the same. I have decided to clean the carpets in the house, just because I need to fill up countless hours during the day. If I stretch it out, I might fill up 3 days, its a big house. I thought about doing volunteer work, but thats as far as I got with it; thinking about it.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Its done
Well my final is done and sent in to the drop box. I feel good about it, went through the check list and I am sure I have meet everything. Now, all I can do is wait for the grade.
This next week will be hard, going in and out of the grade book, waiting to see the final grade. I know they do not have to be posted until the end of unit 10, but I continue to look everyday.
I will continue to blog after this class is over, it has been fun. I have been able to unload some thoughts. I started keeping a journal after my separation 5 years ago, and it helped me to write down my emotional pain; some days were good and some days were just awful. It was better than emailing my friends and taking them on my emotional roller coaster. They were very supportive, but there comes a time when they say enough is enough, get on with your life. So the journal came in to play.
This blog was probably meant to be entirely about school, but seems I had way too much drama in my life for the past month that it was good to blog about it.
As for my continuing saga about my son, he is still in Dallas, he is still sober, and he is planning on staying to be there when his girlfriend gets out. She could get 2 to 20 for assault with a deadly weapon. He was able to finally visit her last week end and that was good for him to know she is alright and good for her to know he is waiting for her. My only hope for all of it is that he stay sober.
He says he loves her and will wait for her to be normal again. Get back on her meds, get some much needed counseling, and then their life can get back on track. I understand love, and if this is what he needs to keep him sober, then I am ok with that too.
This next week will be hard, going in and out of the grade book, waiting to see the final grade. I know they do not have to be posted until the end of unit 10, but I continue to look everyday.
I will continue to blog after this class is over, it has been fun. I have been able to unload some thoughts. I started keeping a journal after my separation 5 years ago, and it helped me to write down my emotional pain; some days were good and some days were just awful. It was better than emailing my friends and taking them on my emotional roller coaster. They were very supportive, but there comes a time when they say enough is enough, get on with your life. So the journal came in to play.
This blog was probably meant to be entirely about school, but seems I had way too much drama in my life for the past month that it was good to blog about it.
As for my continuing saga about my son, he is still in Dallas, he is still sober, and he is planning on staying to be there when his girlfriend gets out. She could get 2 to 20 for assault with a deadly weapon. He was able to finally visit her last week end and that was good for him to know she is alright and good for her to know he is waiting for her. My only hope for all of it is that he stay sober.
He says he loves her and will wait for her to be normal again. Get back on her meds, get some much needed counseling, and then their life can get back on track. I understand love, and if this is what he needs to keep him sober, then I am ok with that too.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Finals Week
This is the week end when my friends say I drive them crazy. I am stressed, of course, trying to make sure I have completed all my final projects and get them turned in on time. I stay current with all my classes and weekly work, so I should not be stressed, but I am human.
My comp paper is coming into shape. I am at the editing phase and it is going fine. I still feel like I am missing something. It reads fine, and follows my thesis, but I just feel like I need something else added to it. I will get it done. I feel confident.
I am taking Sunday off, it is Easter and plan to head to my daughter's house to celebrate with them. Usually I would have them over for a big meal, but this year I have no place of my own and still do not feel comfortable having them over. I am excited to go to their new apartment. I have not been there before. They moved in December.
I hope we all stay in-touch with each other through the blog. It was interesting. It became a dumping zone for my feelings, so I think I will keep it up.
My comp paper is coming into shape. I am at the editing phase and it is going fine. I still feel like I am missing something. It reads fine, and follows my thesis, but I just feel like I need something else added to it. I will get it done. I feel confident.
I am taking Sunday off, it is Easter and plan to head to my daughter's house to celebrate with them. Usually I would have them over for a big meal, but this year I have no place of my own and still do not feel comfortable having them over. I am excited to go to their new apartment. I have not been there before. They moved in December.
I hope we all stay in-touch with each other through the blog. It was interesting. It became a dumping zone for my feelings, so I think I will keep it up.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Denied
My unemployment was denied. I have been on unemployment for a year. After all the tiers have run, I had to re-open my claim. So I did, and they came back with a "no" because I have no reported income from 10-08 to 12-08, that is not true. So now I need to call them and see what's up.
The phone is continually busy, but I keep trying. I will get through, and get things straightened out.
I still may be denied, but I did work those two months and should have a report of income. Maybe I will get a few more weeks, anything will help. I am getting set up with temp agencies within the next few weeks. Since I have no unemployment, I can work temp jobs so money comes in.
So today I will write my abstract for my final paper. That should take me a few days to get right. Then I need to prepare a power point for my final project in math. Thank goodness we do not have to do a final exam. WooHoo. The project will still be difficult. Everything is due next week, so the time is right to find a temp job. Get finals done, relax just a bit and focus on getting work.
My friend says don't worry about paying rent that things will be fine. She says for me to just focus on school and finding a job. I can start paying rent when I have money coming in. I refuse to let her buy things for me. Oh my goodness, that would absolutely kill me to have to ask someone for money to buy toilet paper, toothpaste, or hairspray. I have a little savings stashed away, so I will use it. It upsets me for her to even offer to pay for something I need. I need nothing and will never ask for help. It is bad enough that I have moved into her house. It does not feel like home. It feels like limbo.
And yes, I know if the tables were turned, I would do the same. I would offer my home and she could stay with me as long as she needed to. So I try to remember that. I have always been the "go to person" and I have never had a "go to person" in my life. So this is very strange and very unforgiving.
Well on to my abstract.
The phone is continually busy, but I keep trying. I will get through, and get things straightened out.
I still may be denied, but I did work those two months and should have a report of income. Maybe I will get a few more weeks, anything will help. I am getting set up with temp agencies within the next few weeks. Since I have no unemployment, I can work temp jobs so money comes in.
So today I will write my abstract for my final paper. That should take me a few days to get right. Then I need to prepare a power point for my final project in math. Thank goodness we do not have to do a final exam. WooHoo. The project will still be difficult. Everything is due next week, so the time is right to find a temp job. Get finals done, relax just a bit and focus on getting work.
My friend says don't worry about paying rent that things will be fine. She says for me to just focus on school and finding a job. I can start paying rent when I have money coming in. I refuse to let her buy things for me. Oh my goodness, that would absolutely kill me to have to ask someone for money to buy toilet paper, toothpaste, or hairspray. I have a little savings stashed away, so I will use it. It upsets me for her to even offer to pay for something I need. I need nothing and will never ask for help. It is bad enough that I have moved into her house. It does not feel like home. It feels like limbo.
And yes, I know if the tables were turned, I would do the same. I would offer my home and she could stay with me as long as she needed to. So I try to remember that. I have always been the "go to person" and I have never had a "go to person" in my life. So this is very strange and very unforgiving.
Well on to my abstract.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Relax and Energize
It is time to now just relax and energize for the rest of the week. Last week end was moving, then cleaned all week long at old place and new place. Then spent Friday, all day, and part of Saturday to get ready for the annual slumber party at my friend's house [which just happens to be where I am living now; temporary].
She has this slumber party every year for the past five years. About 10 of us get together and just get away from life for a night of fun and games. The women are married, single, or divorced-some have kids, some do not. But it is a chance to just get away from home. I started coming when I still lived in Denver. I would fly in from Denver to Phoenix, and one year flew in from Tulsa to Phoenix, and I would stay the week end, but now that I live in Arizona, I would just stay the night.
So the party was last night, we had food, oh my gosh did we have food, a lot of wine and beer, huge fire in the pit out back. We played some silly games. We watched the movie Hangover and laughed out loud. Got to bed at around 2 AM, up at 8 AM for coffee and chocolate croissants. Now the party is over, everyone has gone home. We cleaned up again and now resting.
Usually, I would go home but I live here now, so I am hiding away in my room, blogging, and then will get on with my comp. paper and math project. You know even though I am living here, it still does not feel like home to me. It feels like I am just staying for the week end and will pack soon to go home. But not gonna happen. I need to stay here maybe 6 months. So I need to get on with acceptance of my living situation and make the best of it.
But the party was fun.
She has this slumber party every year for the past five years. About 10 of us get together and just get away from life for a night of fun and games. The women are married, single, or divorced-some have kids, some do not. But it is a chance to just get away from home. I started coming when I still lived in Denver. I would fly in from Denver to Phoenix, and one year flew in from Tulsa to Phoenix, and I would stay the week end, but now that I live in Arizona, I would just stay the night.
So the party was last night, we had food, oh my gosh did we have food, a lot of wine and beer, huge fire in the pit out back. We played some silly games. We watched the movie Hangover and laughed out loud. Got to bed at around 2 AM, up at 8 AM for coffee and chocolate croissants. Now the party is over, everyone has gone home. We cleaned up again and now resting.
Usually, I would go home but I live here now, so I am hiding away in my room, blogging, and then will get on with my comp. paper and math project. You know even though I am living here, it still does not feel like home to me. It feels like I am just staying for the week end and will pack soon to go home. But not gonna happen. I need to stay here maybe 6 months. So I need to get on with acceptance of my living situation and make the best of it.
But the party was fun.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
The move is nearly over
I moved in with a friend after getting back from Vegas last Friday. My daughter and her husband came from California to help me move my stuff to storage. My other daughter, who lives here in AZ, came with her husband to help too. Got everything moved, and also got the few things I was bringing with me to my friend's house brought here as well.
Having so much help, got it done in one day. I was only expecting to get the storage stuff done. So big bonus to get both moves completed.
Now I need to go over to my house and clean it. I still have cleaning stuff and some clothes to move over here, but actually school interfered with it. Funny, school interfered with my move. Gosh, with being away for 4 days, getting back, and staying up until all hours of the night, I was able to meet my deadlines. I was so worried that time would get away from me.
Week eight in school will be a busy one, but at least I won't have anything else getting in the way so I can concentrate of my studies. I push myself really hard in school and giving up 5 of my 7 days for the past unit was really hard on me. I felt scattered and hurried. Since I do not work, I usually give at least 5 hours every day to school. Not only for my comp. class but for my math class as well.
In math we were doing empirical and theoretical probabilities and reading the text just wasn't working for me. I missed the seminar, but since math has 3 different times I can go, I was able to catch a seminar Sunday evening. It was still a difficult unit, but its done now and I did well on the exam. This week we move on to statistics. Should be another difficult week in math, but at least I will be able to devote more time and not trying to cram a whole week into a couple days.
As far as my never ending saga about my son and his "made for TV movie" life, he is still in Texas. He is still sober. He was able to get the car, so he can now find some part-time work. The girlfriend, well who knows at this point what will happen with her. But my son is staying by her side, and says he is all she has and he will be there for her when she gets well and can come back. He loves her, and knows she will get better and all will be good again.
Having so much help, got it done in one day. I was only expecting to get the storage stuff done. So big bonus to get both moves completed.
Now I need to go over to my house and clean it. I still have cleaning stuff and some clothes to move over here, but actually school interfered with it. Funny, school interfered with my move. Gosh, with being away for 4 days, getting back, and staying up until all hours of the night, I was able to meet my deadlines. I was so worried that time would get away from me.
Week eight in school will be a busy one, but at least I won't have anything else getting in the way so I can concentrate of my studies. I push myself really hard in school and giving up 5 of my 7 days for the past unit was really hard on me. I felt scattered and hurried. Since I do not work, I usually give at least 5 hours every day to school. Not only for my comp. class but for my math class as well.
In math we were doing empirical and theoretical probabilities and reading the text just wasn't working for me. I missed the seminar, but since math has 3 different times I can go, I was able to catch a seminar Sunday evening. It was still a difficult unit, but its done now and I did well on the exam. This week we move on to statistics. Should be another difficult week in math, but at least I will be able to devote more time and not trying to cram a whole week into a couple days.
As far as my never ending saga about my son and his "made for TV movie" life, he is still in Texas. He is still sober. He was able to get the car, so he can now find some part-time work. The girlfriend, well who knows at this point what will happen with her. But my son is staying by her side, and says he is all she has and he will be there for her when she gets well and can come back. He loves her, and knows she will get better and all will be good again.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Getting back on track
As many who have read my blog know there was supposed to be a wedding on St Patrick's Day, my son was going to get married. Many things went wrong during the past few weeks and there was no wedding. However, my hotel was already booked and paid for, so I went anyway. A good friend of mine and I went to Vegas on a shoestring budget and stayed at the Luxor for 4 days and 3 nights.
While Vegas is a fun place to be, when you are like me and cannot afford to gamble, it was a horrible time. I was worried about my son, my upcoming move, my classes I was missing, and how do I make it from here. I put on a happy face and really tried to be fun and this is awesome, but inside I was miserable.
My son compounded that misery, when he phoned me Thursday morning needing money wired to him right away. It seems the calmness that he portrayed the few days prior came to a halt, when his girlfriend went after him with a butcher knife on Wednesday and stabbed him in the arm. He is ok, but now she is in jail. They filed charges against her assault with a deadly weapon. My son did not press charges, but the state did. He loves her even though she has a mental illness. He says she is still in there and needs helps to get back to reality.
So now he is broke, no car, Texas motel, and a girlfriend in jail. They managed to pay rent on the motel until the end of the month. Sold the car they had and bought a cheaper one, and got cash back to pay the motel and should have got food; but she went manic and took off in the car and spent all the left over cash on a ring. So on her return to the motel all hell broke loose, and ultimately ended with her stabbing my son. Off to jail she goes with the car keys around her neck. Since he is not on the title, they will not release the keys to him and she won't release them because she thinks he is going to drive off and leave her in Texas.
I had a terrible hang-over from overindulging on St Patrick's day at the Casino. I am a light weight when it comes to drinking, so it didn't take much for me to have a horrible hangover. He calls me and I need to find an ATM and a Western Union in Vegas at 8 in the morning. My friend is telling my no don't do it, you are just enabling him. He has to learn a lesson, what will happen if you don't send him money, and on and on and on.
Sure I would love to say no. And probably should say no, but he is my son and he is in a strange city with a crazy girlfriend, who tried to kill him. And he was sober. I just went and sent the money. I listened to her lecture me, and sent the money. I listened to her try and control my thoughts about my children and dismissed them. Needless to say, the rest of our visit to Vegas was not so pleasant.
I had Internet at the hotel and attempted to do my class work and tried to go to seminar, but the connection was so bad and kept dropping me that it made it impossible to attend. Vegas is no place to try and go to school. So I opted to do the option 2, and just try and have some fun. This was Wednesday, of course, before the horrors of Thursday hit home, hard.
I did explain, but I sincerely doubt he heard me, that if he used any of this money for booze, I would no longer speak with him. Just consider me dead to him. I was done. Yes, I have been done before and he always sucks me in. But I simply do not have the cash to send him to bail him out of problems. He gets SSI, and the one hundred bucks I sent him will tide him over until his SSI check comes. And he did get a change of address in time. But I am cash poor these days and am having to move out of my home and move in with a friend because I can't make it any any longer.
So the reality is this, son is sober living in Texas, his girlfriend in jail with assault charges, and me trying to finish school so I can get a job and get on with my life. But one great thing, my daughter and family are here from California to help me transition over to my friend's house and get my stuff into storage.
This is my story, why I missed unit 7 seminar.
While Vegas is a fun place to be, when you are like me and cannot afford to gamble, it was a horrible time. I was worried about my son, my upcoming move, my classes I was missing, and how do I make it from here. I put on a happy face and really tried to be fun and this is awesome, but inside I was miserable.
My son compounded that misery, when he phoned me Thursday morning needing money wired to him right away. It seems the calmness that he portrayed the few days prior came to a halt, when his girlfriend went after him with a butcher knife on Wednesday and stabbed him in the arm. He is ok, but now she is in jail. They filed charges against her assault with a deadly weapon. My son did not press charges, but the state did. He loves her even though she has a mental illness. He says she is still in there and needs helps to get back to reality.
So now he is broke, no car, Texas motel, and a girlfriend in jail. They managed to pay rent on the motel until the end of the month. Sold the car they had and bought a cheaper one, and got cash back to pay the motel and should have got food; but she went manic and took off in the car and spent all the left over cash on a ring. So on her return to the motel all hell broke loose, and ultimately ended with her stabbing my son. Off to jail she goes with the car keys around her neck. Since he is not on the title, they will not release the keys to him and she won't release them because she thinks he is going to drive off and leave her in Texas.
I had a terrible hang-over from overindulging on St Patrick's day at the Casino. I am a light weight when it comes to drinking, so it didn't take much for me to have a horrible hangover. He calls me and I need to find an ATM and a Western Union in Vegas at 8 in the morning. My friend is telling my no don't do it, you are just enabling him. He has to learn a lesson, what will happen if you don't send him money, and on and on and on.
Sure I would love to say no. And probably should say no, but he is my son and he is in a strange city with a crazy girlfriend, who tried to kill him. And he was sober. I just went and sent the money. I listened to her lecture me, and sent the money. I listened to her try and control my thoughts about my children and dismissed them. Needless to say, the rest of our visit to Vegas was not so pleasant.
I had Internet at the hotel and attempted to do my class work and tried to go to seminar, but the connection was so bad and kept dropping me that it made it impossible to attend. Vegas is no place to try and go to school. So I opted to do the option 2, and just try and have some fun. This was Wednesday, of course, before the horrors of Thursday hit home, hard.
I did explain, but I sincerely doubt he heard me, that if he used any of this money for booze, I would no longer speak with him. Just consider me dead to him. I was done. Yes, I have been done before and he always sucks me in. But I simply do not have the cash to send him to bail him out of problems. He gets SSI, and the one hundred bucks I sent him will tide him over until his SSI check comes. And he did get a change of address in time. But I am cash poor these days and am having to move out of my home and move in with a friend because I can't make it any any longer.
So the reality is this, son is sober living in Texas, his girlfriend in jail with assault charges, and me trying to finish school so I can get a job and get on with my life. But one great thing, my daughter and family are here from California to help me transition over to my friend's house and get my stuff into storage.
This is my story, why I missed unit 7 seminar.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Found Again
I don't know how much of this roller coaster ride I can take. My son is found; when he was discharged from St Anthony's Hospital in Denver, they sent him to Arapaho House in Lakewood, which is a detox center. He was there for 48 hours. Since he had no phone and could not remember my phone number, he did not call. They let him out yesterday morning. He called his ex-wife, it was the only number he could remember. She picked him up and he got hold of me through facebook. He knew I would be on-line and I saw him message. I called and explained what I had been through, worried, scared, panicked; Told him the Maureen was looking for him but I didn't know where she was, but knew the general area she was in on Friday evening. Then a couple hours later, Maureen called me. She got scared of the dark and was cold and of course in a manic state, that she said she called 911 and had them get her. Said she was in the hospital getting calm and they gave her bus fare to get her car and now she gave me her location. I reached my son and told him where she was. So as of about 3 PM yesterday, they are together. I know they are alive, together, and hopefully he can convince her that she is safe and they can go back to Fairplay. But he is sober, completely 100% sober and that is good. The best news of all is he is sober and will not slip again, at least not for 4 or 5 months. I think the wedding is off, but who really knows. My friend and I are still leaving tomorrow for Vegas, we have already paid for the room. She really wants to go because this is the last mini vacation she can take until her busy season is over. It is important to her and she has been planning and prepping for this trip. So we are going. I thought I would not be able to attend my classes, but I think since there isn't a wedding, and will have Internet access in the room, I will still attend. Its only an hour, and is important to me. Only a wedding was going to keep me from seminar. I am not so worried now so I can focus on packing for my next week end move, and get my studies done. Wow, what a week. I live a solitary life, but life still keeps happening to those I love all around me. Now, I can just breath........
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Gone Again
While I go through the motions of writing my paper, doing my math exam, I feel like nothing is getting in because my thoughts go to my son. He is lost, not just mentally, but truly lost. The last communication I had with him was Wednesday morning, it was a text message. It is now Saturday and I don't know where he is. The last I knew, he left to pick up his girl friend from the hospital in Denver on Thursday. Now she has his phone, all of his belongings, his cash, and no one knows where he is. They were on their was back to Fairplay, which is in the mountains, stopped in Idaho Springs at a motel. I don't know why, its a couple hour drive. I heard from his girlfriend that the police took him away and he was in the hospital. I called St Anthony's hospital and they had a patient in the ER by his name and he was released. They will not give my any information. I called the girlfriend, she is in a continual manic state. She makes little sense, from what I can piece together, she wants to leave the country because we a doomed to destruction and she wants out, he didn't want to go, and started yelling. So another person in the motel called the police. She said they took him to the hospital because she said he was not violent just drunk. She would not tell me where is was said someone was after her, and its all in her imagination. Said she packed her car with everything they own and is leaving the country. Then she called crying saying she couldn't save him and is going to get him. But she doesn't know where he is. She kept calling me last night until 11, still trying to find him and doesn't know where he is, she is lost in Denver in a manic state. Since 11 last night the phone is off and I cannot find her or him. I don't know if she found him. I don't know if she got picked up for being in such an emotional mental state. I am scared, worried, and in panic mode. No news is not good news. Not with him, no news is always bad. Her family is in Florida, she said she is heading to Florida then moving to the Bahamas. Crazy talk. But where is my son.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
The Great Escape
I just escaped the long are of the law. Oh my Gosh, I was coming home just now from a friend's house and got stopped by the police just before turning into my community. I live in Arizona, which many already know, but my license plates expired at the end of February. Now in Colorado, you have 30 days past the expiration month to get your plates. I only discovered that this was not the case in Arizona. February came and went and I totally forgot to get my plates. I remembered just last week. Its March..... You can get your plates on-line so I went on-line and still needed to change my address from Lake Havasu to Apache Junction. So unfortunately for me I changed my address before I got plates, well in Havasu you don't need an emission sticker, but here you do. So I could not get my plates until I got an emission test. Believe it or not, I got my emission today, but was waiting 24 hours to make sure the state has the record, so was getting plates tomorrow. OH and another thing, I changed my insurance to Esurance, it is so much cheaper than what I had. And I didn't have a current insurance card in my car and expired plates. AND to make it worse I had a couple beers at my friend's house watching American Idol. Its now 11 PM and the beers I drank were at 7 PM so I was fine to drive. So he pulls me over for my expired tags, I explain, he takes my license and off to his car he goes. Mean while I am wondering if I smell like booze that I drank 3 hour before I drove. So I pop a mint and spray fabreeze, just in case. I do not drink and drive. It was hours before I got behind the wheel. He comes back and I explained about laws in Colorado and that I was getting them tomorrow. He asked for my insurance, and again I explained that I just changed insurance and did not have a copy in the car, but if he wanted to follow me to my house I would print it out. He just said I have a cute dog, (my cocker spaniel, Tom, was sitting in the front seat, he refused to get in the back) and that he was giving me a verbal warning and to take care of things right away. There is no 30 days in Arizona. I said thank you and drove home. Did I just get the break of a life-time, yes I did. I will take care of everything first thing in the morning. I promise I do not drink and drive.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Introduction complete
Ok so back to school. I realize that this week we need to submit our draft, I am so not ready to have my draft complete. It took me days just to complete my first paragraph. It usually sets the paper for me and it is important to me to get it right. I had trouble with it, but I think I captured what I want to say. So now on to the rest of the paper. We have a week, so if I write a little everyday, I will make it. And it is a draft so it doesn't have to be perfect.
Kind of funny though, writing the draft and then doing an outline. But when reading about it, it made sense to me. It should help a lot with the flow of the paper. But first the draft, my head is spinning. The articles that I found have so much information and I have read them over and over. Now to try and write what I read.
Wish me luck my fellow classmates. The time is now, what do I remember about what I read.
Kind of funny though, writing the draft and then doing an outline. But when reading about it, it made sense to me. It should help a lot with the flow of the paper. But first the draft, my head is spinning. The articles that I found have so much information and I have read them over and over. Now to try and write what I read.
Wish me luck my fellow classmates. The time is now, what do I remember about what I read.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
The Lost is Found
I heard from my son this morning. He didn't call, nor did he answer when I called, but I received a text message. The text was coherent, so I am assuming he is not falling down drunk, but sober enough to type straight and the comment was more than just "Im fine". He actually let me know his girlfriend was coming home on Thursday and that he was sober and hating it. So I think he may be on his way back.
I didn't sleep last night, tossed, turned, and stared at the TV not really knowing what was on. I will be ready to sleep early tonight. I am sure that I slept some, but just not a restful sleep.
But with my mind and heart at ease for the time being, I am going to tackle my comp paper working on the draft and get a head start on my math for this week's unit. Next week, the 17th, I won't be in seminar- it's the wedding. At least I think so.
I didn't sleep last night, tossed, turned, and stared at the TV not really knowing what was on. I will be ready to sleep early tonight. I am sure that I slept some, but just not a restful sleep.
But with my mind and heart at ease for the time being, I am going to tackle my comp paper working on the draft and get a head start on my math for this week's unit. Next week, the 17th, I won't be in seminar- it's the wedding. At least I think so.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Missing
I am very worried, cannot get hold of my son. I am so worried. He is very unstable. He has not answered my calls or texts. I know he didn't before but then I suspected he was drinking but now I know he is. When he drinks he sinks further into a depression. I am afraid. He lives in Colorado and I am in Arizona. It isn't like I can just go see if he is OK. I don't know anyone in the little mountain he lives in to go check on him. His girlfriend is in the hospital, so no one is there to check on him. When he stops drinking, he may have a seizure. Alone, there is no one to help him; he can aspirate. It has happened before and put him in the hospital for months. My mind says he is just ignoring my call because he is drinking and he knows I know his voice and can tell. He can't hide it from me even though he attempts to lie and tell me he isn't drinking. But my heart knows something is wrong. I will wait one more day and send the police to check on him. I don't know what else to do. They have friends, though I don't know them, but maybe someone will stop by. One thing I hear years ago that an alcoholic hold all who love them hostage. Alcoholism is not just a single individual disease, it is a family disease. I hope he is alright, I hope I can sleep.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
This week is very unsettling. I have not heard from my son for several days and when that happens I always get suspicious that he is drinking. I called and called, no answer. I sent him texts and still no reply, finally on Wednesday, he sent me a text saying he was ok. Still worried, but ok, I left it at that.
Then my daughter called me and told me he left her a message, crying and he sounded drunk. I finally got him to answer my calls and was so disappointed to hear that he had started drinking again. He said it has been 6 months, I think its been 4, but if he says 6, I will go with 6 months. This is the longest stretched on continual time for him to be sober.
Many things happened in his personal life that he could not handle. He felt he had let everyone he cares about down and he started drinking. One led to another and to another and to a week long binge. We talked for an hour, I am sure I did not get through to him. I said he would quit right then, but when I talked to him yesterday he was still drunk. I haven't called yet today, I don't want to hear that slur and stammer trying to act like he is sober when he isn't.
I have listened to the voice for 20 years and know the sound. He cannot fool me.
He is supposed to be getting married in Las Vegas on the 17th of March. I wonder if it will happen and I wonder if it should. I try not to judge, and try to give him words of encouragement. I tell him that it is just a relapse and he can get back on track. We have gone through so many battles for so many years. He even lived on the street for a year; drunk and homeless. He can do it and he says he wants to.
He has been to rehab, hospitalized so many times I just can't remember them all, in and out of several relationships, nearly died once, broke his neck, has seizures; yet he continues to drink his troubles away. I understand addiction, which has led to my paper on genetics and addiction, but he is also being treated for manic depression. When he takes his medication, he seems to leave the booze alone. But he doesn't like the way he feels on the medication. It is so sad.
His girlfriend is bi-polar. They met in group mental health meetings when my mother passed away. He nearly killed himself when she died, but he got help. They seem to be happy with each other. Each one helping the other. But she went off her medication and went into a manic state and ended up in the hospital, which in-turn sent him down this path of self-destruction. She is in the hospital right now and they seem to be still planning on getting married in 10 days. I don't know when she is getting out of the hospital, guess when they get her meds right and feel she will take them.
Her parents live in Florida, like I live in Arizona, and they live in Fairplay, Colorado. Both are adults and responsible for themselves. I am sure they feel as I do as long as they have each other, neither becomes dependent of us. It is a terrible way to feel, but emotionally I cannot handle his addiction.
He has lived with me off and on and each time it ends with me kicking him out because he is so drunk that I fear for my life. There are rules when he is with me; sober, regular AA meetings, and cleanliness. Seems like simple rules, but for an alcoholic they are to hard to comply. Now I am moving in with a friend because I can't make it on my own any longer, so he has no home to come back to. He has to make it.
What a mess, such drama. I love him, he is my son. I care about his well being.
Then my daughter called me and told me he left her a message, crying and he sounded drunk. I finally got him to answer my calls and was so disappointed to hear that he had started drinking again. He said it has been 6 months, I think its been 4, but if he says 6, I will go with 6 months. This is the longest stretched on continual time for him to be sober.
Many things happened in his personal life that he could not handle. He felt he had let everyone he cares about down and he started drinking. One led to another and to another and to a week long binge. We talked for an hour, I am sure I did not get through to him. I said he would quit right then, but when I talked to him yesterday he was still drunk. I haven't called yet today, I don't want to hear that slur and stammer trying to act like he is sober when he isn't.
I have listened to the voice for 20 years and know the sound. He cannot fool me.
He is supposed to be getting married in Las Vegas on the 17th of March. I wonder if it will happen and I wonder if it should. I try not to judge, and try to give him words of encouragement. I tell him that it is just a relapse and he can get back on track. We have gone through so many battles for so many years. He even lived on the street for a year; drunk and homeless. He can do it and he says he wants to.
He has been to rehab, hospitalized so many times I just can't remember them all, in and out of several relationships, nearly died once, broke his neck, has seizures; yet he continues to drink his troubles away. I understand addiction, which has led to my paper on genetics and addiction, but he is also being treated for manic depression. When he takes his medication, he seems to leave the booze alone. But he doesn't like the way he feels on the medication. It is so sad.
His girlfriend is bi-polar. They met in group mental health meetings when my mother passed away. He nearly killed himself when she died, but he got help. They seem to be happy with each other. Each one helping the other. But she went off her medication and went into a manic state and ended up in the hospital, which in-turn sent him down this path of self-destruction. She is in the hospital right now and they seem to be still planning on getting married in 10 days. I don't know when she is getting out of the hospital, guess when they get her meds right and feel she will take them.
Her parents live in Florida, like I live in Arizona, and they live in Fairplay, Colorado. Both are adults and responsible for themselves. I am sure they feel as I do as long as they have each other, neither becomes dependent of us. It is a terrible way to feel, but emotionally I cannot handle his addiction.
He has lived with me off and on and each time it ends with me kicking him out because he is so drunk that I fear for my life. There are rules when he is with me; sober, regular AA meetings, and cleanliness. Seems like simple rules, but for an alcoholic they are to hard to comply. Now I am moving in with a friend because I can't make it on my own any longer, so he has no home to come back to. He has to make it.
What a mess, such drama. I love him, he is my son. I care about his well being.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
packing
Well the economy has kicked me where it hurts, not only was I laid off a year ago and still not working, but now I am giving up my house and my independence and moving in with a friend. I know it is only temporary and she is a really good friend to open her home up to me, but it is still very hard. So I am digging out the boxes from the garage and getting all my precious things packed away. All I need to take with me to her place is my bedroom furniture and clothes. I know in my heart that it will be fine, but still there are no words to express what I feel in my heart. I am sad beyond belief.
My focus still remains on school and getting the best grades possible. I have to get work before I finish school, something, anything. Living with a friend will be less rent, so my monthly expenses will be so much easier to handle on my unemployment. It ends on March 21, and don't know if I can get an extension. I am praying for a job so I don't have to file for an extension.
Then when I finish school, I am so praying that I find a job in my chosen career of medical office management. I won't have experience, but will have the education.
So this move is temporary and I believe 100% it is temporary. Now I know how my daughter felt, when they had to move in with me. I opened my home to my kids to help them get on their feet and would do it again in a heartbeat. So I need to just relax and move and be thankful that I have a friend who is in a position to open her home up for me. I can't move in with my daughter, she is getting ready to move back to Colorado. And my other children live in different states, so moving with them is out of the question. I love Arizona and want to stay here.
It will be a busy month; packing, storing, moving, and going to my son's wedding. And oh yeah, school; free writing, draft, final all at the same time; not to mention my math class as well which is kicking my butt.
Well until next post......
My focus still remains on school and getting the best grades possible. I have to get work before I finish school, something, anything. Living with a friend will be less rent, so my monthly expenses will be so much easier to handle on my unemployment. It ends on March 21, and don't know if I can get an extension. I am praying for a job so I don't have to file for an extension.
Then when I finish school, I am so praying that I find a job in my chosen career of medical office management. I won't have experience, but will have the education.
So this move is temporary and I believe 100% it is temporary. Now I know how my daughter felt, when they had to move in with me. I opened my home to my kids to help them get on their feet and would do it again in a heartbeat. So I need to just relax and move and be thankful that I have a friend who is in a position to open her home up for me. I can't move in with my daughter, she is getting ready to move back to Colorado. And my other children live in different states, so moving with them is out of the question. I love Arizona and want to stay here.
It will be a busy month; packing, storing, moving, and going to my son's wedding. And oh yeah, school; free writing, draft, final all at the same time; not to mention my math class as well which is kicking my butt.
Well until next post......
Monday, March 1, 2010
Social Anxiety Disorder
I was researching information on the web for my comp paper and found this social anxiety disorder so I clicked on it and oh my gosh, it was like the author reached in my mind and wrote about it.
I have suffered with this all my life. I never knew it had a label. But I guess any issue a person has can be labeled. When I was married and my children were young, I always had them as a buffer. You know someone to hold your as you walked through a store. Even holding a baby in your arms was comforting when out in public. People around you don't see you, they see who you are with. I was always able to just disappear into the background.
When I was working I was always around the familiar, so it wasn't so bad. I traveled because I had to, but after the initial anxiety of going through the airport and being on the plane, I would arrive and be around familiar people, co-workers. But I always stayed in the hotel and ordered room service because I could not make myself go to the restaurant. I am not working now and haven't worked for a year and going on an interview is torture. I wish I trusted those work-at-home offers, I would do that in a heartbeat. I am afraid of them.
Now that I am alone, this disorder is 10 times worse. I never leave my house unless I absolutely have to. I do the necessary; get groceries, gas in my car, pay the rent, go to the bank, let my friend's puppy out to potty. That is the extent of my outside travel. I could never have stepped foot into a traditional school, but on-line works.
Last Comp. class it took me two weeks to go to the library to get a library card and check out a book. Which put me into a marathon race to finish my paper. This class I can get everything on-line and don't have to leave the comfort of my home, three cheers for that.
All of my adult life I have suffered from this, so now how do I change. I don't take anti-depressants, I am not depressed. People have told me that I am, but I am really not. I took them once when I was first separated, and they didn't help the anxiety. So now what, what do I do with the information. It takes me days to make a phone call. Just knowing will help. Eventually I will make a call to a doctor and see what I can do.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Tough Saturday
Today was a difficult day. I got up at 8 am and started my work for the discussion board in comp. It took me 5 hours to put together, review, then post. After I post, I see a note from the professor that she didn't give us the right instructions. Oh well, my post is a little long and hope it is still going to be satisfactory.
Then I started my math exam, and that took me another 5 hours. This unit in math is difficult and really exhausted me. I ended up missing 4 on the exam. Missing 4 isn't acceptable, because what I missed I flat out did not understand. I decided I need to get help from the math center, in hopes they can explain it in a way that I can understand.
After 10 hours of school work, all I wanted to do was curl up in my bed and hide. I have never put myself into that kind of a school marathon since I have been going to college, and I never want to do it again. It is exhausting. To boot, I don't have anymore contact lenses and have to wear my glasses which are not the right prescription, so I am straining to read. My eyes are so tired.
I hit the blogs for a bit before I shut off my laptop for the rest of the night. My cocker spaniel, Tommy, needs some attention. He did not appreciate me sitting in my chair all day and being on the laptop, ignoring him. Poor little guy he is just staring out the window.
Then I started my math exam, and that took me another 5 hours. This unit in math is difficult and really exhausted me. I ended up missing 4 on the exam. Missing 4 isn't acceptable, because what I missed I flat out did not understand. I decided I need to get help from the math center, in hopes they can explain it in a way that I can understand.
After 10 hours of school work, all I wanted to do was curl up in my bed and hide. I have never put myself into that kind of a school marathon since I have been going to college, and I never want to do it again. It is exhausting. To boot, I don't have anymore contact lenses and have to wear my glasses which are not the right prescription, so I am straining to read. My eyes are so tired.
I hit the blogs for a bit before I shut off my laptop for the rest of the night. My cocker spaniel, Tommy, needs some attention. He did not appreciate me sitting in my chair all day and being on the laptop, ignoring him. Poor little guy he is just staring out the window.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Today is a big day, my grandson Seth is 5 years old today. Of course he has been celebrating his birthday for a week now. First had a birthday party with friends at the park. He had a great day. His daddy was home that week end, so they took advantage and had the party. I didn't go because I have issues, which my daughter respects, her dad [my ex] was there with his significant other and even after 5 years I cannot make myself smile and say hello, even for the sake of the kids. So we had another birthday celebration with me.
We had a great day, went to the Rain Forest Cafe in Tempe, and shopped. Yes I shopped, but I had my daughter with me as a buffer. Oh and the 3 boys, they definitely help me to be able to walk around the mall. I am busy with them, so I don't pay attention to the people around. Plus we went on a Tuesday afternoon, so the mall was less crowded.
I was able to get the outfit for my son's Irish wedding. I will be in green as requested, well mostly green. I have a green top and a black skirt. Then was able to get a black cover-up in case it is chilly in the evening. Vegas still has chilly evenings.
Mostly we had a great day together; we hugged, we laughed, we ate, we played. Now, today is his real birthday date and they are off to McDonalds for an ice cream and play in the playroom; his request and mom said ok. I told him I would call him on his birthday, but he informed me that he didn't have a phone. I said I would call his mom and she would let me talk to him. It was funny, he looked so confused.
So Happy Birthday Seth. Grammy loves you very much.
We had a great day, went to the Rain Forest Cafe in Tempe, and shopped. Yes I shopped, but I had my daughter with me as a buffer. Oh and the 3 boys, they definitely help me to be able to walk around the mall. I am busy with them, so I don't pay attention to the people around. Plus we went on a Tuesday afternoon, so the mall was less crowded.
I was able to get the outfit for my son's Irish wedding. I will be in green as requested, well mostly green. I have a green top and a black skirt. Then was able to get a black cover-up in case it is chilly in the evening. Vegas still has chilly evenings.
Mostly we had a great day together; we hugged, we laughed, we ate, we played. Now, today is his real birthday date and they are off to McDonalds for an ice cream and play in the playroom; his request and mom said ok. I told him I would call him on his birthday, but he informed me that he didn't have a phone. I said I would call his mom and she would let me talk to him. It was funny, he looked so confused.
So Happy Birthday Seth. Grammy loves you very much.
Friday, February 19, 2010
I really do not like to shop
My son is getting married next month and I need to buy a dress for the wedding. Why can't I wear something I already have in the closet???? Well color, he is getting married on St Patrick's Day, and their colors are emerald green and black. I don't own anything in emerald green. It isn't a popular color right now.
I am not a shopper, I really do not like going to a mall, so I do the Kohls, TJ Maxx, or Ross; something other than the mall. But it takes me days to work up the energy and get myself in the mental state so I can walk into a store. I tried to check on-line but you can't really see the color, and I need to try things on because I have lost so much weight.
Wednesday, my daughter came over to take me to lunch, so we stopped by the store so I could look for a dress. After walking and looking and getting depressed, she found a top in the right color of green. It was in the junior department and I have not been able to wear a junior in years. So I tried on an extra large in juniors, and it was too big. I got a large and it fit great. So that jazzed me that I could wear a large junior. Just so happened she had some Khols Cash, so she offered it to me and I got the top for free. That really excited me. One that the top didn't cost me anything and second that my daughter helped me out. It was great.
Now I need to find a skirt or Capri's to wear with it, so I will have to go into a store once again, but I have time to work up the nerve to do it.
You see, I have this anxiety thing going on which keeps me away from people. I work on it, it is not immobilizing but darn close. I have been known to hyperventilate just thinking about walking into a crowd. The things I have to do are grocery shop. I know I can write my list, go in the store, get what I need, pay and get out. But to shop, try clothes on, interact with people-no hard to do.
I am OK when with someone. They have a purpose in shopping, I can go along, they are my safety net. But if given a choice to go along, I will opt out every time. How sad is that?
I am not a shopper, I really do not like going to a mall, so I do the Kohls, TJ Maxx, or Ross; something other than the mall. But it takes me days to work up the energy and get myself in the mental state so I can walk into a store. I tried to check on-line but you can't really see the color, and I need to try things on because I have lost so much weight.
Wednesday, my daughter came over to take me to lunch, so we stopped by the store so I could look for a dress. After walking and looking and getting depressed, she found a top in the right color of green. It was in the junior department and I have not been able to wear a junior in years. So I tried on an extra large in juniors, and it was too big. I got a large and it fit great. So that jazzed me that I could wear a large junior. Just so happened she had some Khols Cash, so she offered it to me and I got the top for free. That really excited me. One that the top didn't cost me anything and second that my daughter helped me out. It was great.
Now I need to find a skirt or Capri's to wear with it, so I will have to go into a store once again, but I have time to work up the nerve to do it.
You see, I have this anxiety thing going on which keeps me away from people. I work on it, it is not immobilizing but darn close. I have been known to hyperventilate just thinking about walking into a crowd. The things I have to do are grocery shop. I know I can write my list, go in the store, get what I need, pay and get out. But to shop, try clothes on, interact with people-no hard to do.
I am OK when with someone. They have a purpose in shopping, I can go along, they are my safety net. But if given a choice to go along, I will opt out every time. How sad is that?
Monday, February 15, 2010
Confused and reaching out for help
What to do about the paper due for CompII? I thought for sure I had all my ideas ready and just needed to put down on paper, but now I am thinking about changing topics all together. I researched my paper for autism and found a mountain of information. I was torn which way to go with the paper but still was doing something about autism. Then because I read the discussion wrong, I had to research a second topic. So I did, and what did I find, but another subject that I was curious about and wanted to write that paper as well. I am torn between both topics, each with equal interest, and both would be a great paper. So for the next couple days I am going to read and read and read. I hate reading, but I need to know which topic I can do. Oh the other paper is the genetic link with addiction. I am sure it will depend on which topic can I write a thesis statement that will grab the reader to want to read my paper. Just because the topic holds interest for me, will it for others. So that's where I am today and tomorrow, a decision must be made. Autism and the rise in diagnosis, or Is there a genetic link to addiction.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
I'd like to introduce my kids and grandkids. This photo was 2009, Easter. To the far left is my granddaughter Brina, who will be 16 this May, she is holding my grandson Jace, who will belongs to my daughter Mandy, next to Brina. My daughter Kari, who is Brina's mom, then me and my daughter Sarah. Front row, left is Drew, he is Mandy's middle son, then Keeley, Kari is her mom. Next is Seth, Mandy's oldest. And next is Haylie and Chloe, who are Sarah's girls.
Did you follow all that, the grand kids are a little mixed up in the photo. Mandy is my youngest, she has 3 boys, Jace, Drew, and Seth. Next is Sarah, and she has 2 girls, Haylie and Chloe. My oldest daughter is Kari, and she has 2 daughters, Brina and Keeley.
Not pictured is my son, Richard, who has twins Lexis and Jadyn, from his previous marriage. I don't have any recent photos of them. My son is getting married next month on St Patrick's Day in Vegas. I plan on going to the wedding, spending three days in Vegas. Should be alot of fun. I haven't seen my son in about a year and a half, so I am excited to see him. Rich is my oldest, hitting 42 this year. I can't believe it but its true my son is 42 in July. Kari will be 39, Sarah will be 35, and Mandy will be 30. Me, I will hit the big 60.
I am excited to say that since this photo was taken about a year ago, I have lost 30 pounds. Easter last year was the first time all of my girls and their kids have been together in a very long time. I was living in Lake Havaus at the time and all came to Havasu for Easter. We only had a week-end but it was fantastic.
I am hoping that soon we can all get together again. It is hard when everyone lives in different states. It may be awhile, but it will happen. My daughter, Mandy lives in Arizona but is moving back to Colorado in April. It will be nice for my son, who lives in Fairplay, Colorado. He will have some family close. I will miss her and the kids, but I understand it is for her husband's job. It is important.
I guess I am just missing my kids a lot right now, so I wanted to put them on my blog for all to see. Next month, I will have some wedding photos to put on, now that I know how to attach photos.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
I find it odd
that for my final in math is a written paper or a power point presentation. I would think that we would have a final exam going over all the math learned this term, but I find no such exam. Of course we take a weekly exam over each unit and they are difficult, but still last term I have a final exam in the previous math class. Oh well I should not complain, but get myself prepared for two papers due this term.
I have been brainstorming my comp II paper and am having second and third thoughts on the subject. I think I need to walk away for a few days and just digest all the articles I have been reading and see if there is a scientific paper in there worth writing. I shouldn't say worth writing, of course it is worth writing, but what I am finding is more controversy than facts. So I may go same topic, but a different avenue.
But back to math, my seminar was tonight and the professor had things so mixed up. It was like she was reading a slide ahead and giving wrong information,then we would question her and she would get back on tract and get it right. Its a good thing most of us had already read the chapter and watched the video before class. Just proves that professors are human too. They make mistakes, and its good that they can laugh at themselves and spend time to give the correct information. Seminar was almost and hour and 40 minutes.
So I get to brush up on my power point, its been over a year since I played with power point. I think I will dazzle her with my presentation and will acknowledge how I will use math in my chosen field. I am sure I won't use much more than basic bookkeeping and hope I don't have to use algebra. Although, my algebra is doing fine, but I really don't like it.
Today was filled with library research and math. I am done with school for the rest of the night. Tomorrow is another day.
I have been brainstorming my comp II paper and am having second and third thoughts on the subject. I think I need to walk away for a few days and just digest all the articles I have been reading and see if there is a scientific paper in there worth writing. I shouldn't say worth writing, of course it is worth writing, but what I am finding is more controversy than facts. So I may go same topic, but a different avenue.
But back to math, my seminar was tonight and the professor had things so mixed up. It was like she was reading a slide ahead and giving wrong information,then we would question her and she would get back on tract and get it right. Its a good thing most of us had already read the chapter and watched the video before class. Just proves that professors are human too. They make mistakes, and its good that they can laugh at themselves and spend time to give the correct information. Seminar was almost and hour and 40 minutes.
So I get to brush up on my power point, its been over a year since I played with power point. I think I will dazzle her with my presentation and will acknowledge how I will use math in my chosen field. I am sure I won't use much more than basic bookkeeping and hope I don't have to use algebra. Although, my algebra is doing fine, but I really don't like it.
Today was filled with library research and math. I am done with school for the rest of the night. Tomorrow is another day.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Things I Miss
Everything that I miss in my life come from the lack of employment; high on the list, of course is a paycheck and then the list goes on and on.
I miss my children above all else. If I was working I would see them more often. I could travel and spend week ends together. Two of my kids, I haven't seen in over a year. That is so sad. We talk a lot, but it isn't the same as hugging them. I miss my grandchildren. I miss them so much. But on to a lighter note.
I miss getting my hair done by a professional. I am still trying to grow out from a bad haircut. On a whim, I dashed into the hair cut joint at Walmart to clean up the back of my hair. Big mistake, he chopped a chunk out of the side of my hair. He spent the next hour trying to clean it up and finally mentioned how cool it would be to have a haircut with one side shorter than the other. I said, not for me, then he continued to cut. He had no choice but to announce that he made a mistake. Oh and no charge for the haircut. I smiled and said thank you. What could I do? So now I am two months on the grow out and it gets worse everyday.
I miss getting manicures and pedicures every two weeks. I have had artificial nails for more years than I care to remember, but now I am growing my own and need to keep them up myself. They split and crack, and I file. All the while trying to keep them out of my mouth. Yes, I am a habitual nail biter, which is why I kept artificial nails. Do they look nice, hell no, but they will do. After all, I don't go anywhere or see anyone so why does it matter. Years ago, a doctor told me to get pedicures because my toe nails were beginning to show signs of age. Don't you love it when a doctor tells you, your toes are aging fast than the rest of you. So I did and I loved it. It felt so good to sit and have someone else do your toe nails. They always looked nice and I loved the little designs. Plus I never had to try and contort my body into a position to prune the nail. Well, that too has gone into one of the things I miss. I do my own toe nails. I nearly dislocate my hip trying to get my foot in a position so I can reach the nail.
I miss going out to eat, even fast food. Of course my waistline likes the no fast food, but I do miss stopping by the In n Out Burger. I can't even remember the last time I ate a hamburger. I stay away and just eat at home. And that is something else the I miss, cooking. Living alone, I really don't cook real meals. I only cook the quick and easy meals for one. And groceries are carefully purchased, nothing is bought on a a whim. You know when you get that hunger for a roast beef dinner with mashed potatoes and gravy. No, it isn't in the budget.
I miss taking my cocker spaniel to the groomer and getting him bathed, groomed, nails cut, teeth brushed, and ears cleaned. He had over grown so much that a couple weeks ago my daughter and I shaved him. He looks ok, but not as adorable as he looks when he comes back from the groomer. I really miss that. And cleaning his ears, ug, that is a chore.
I miss getting up in the morning and hurrying to get ready for work. I miss putting on make-up. I miss the stress of the day to day routine of work. I miss traveling. I miss my credit cards. I miss driving in traffic. I miss my house being a mess because I don't have time to keep up with the dust. I miss laundry piling up because there is not enough hours in the day to get it done. I really miss buying new clothes. Now that I have lost 30 pounds, I could really use some new clothes.
I am sure there is more but that is enough for now. Maybe I will write next about the things I don't miss like the mail and the monthly reminders.
I miss my children above all else. If I was working I would see them more often. I could travel and spend week ends together. Two of my kids, I haven't seen in over a year. That is so sad. We talk a lot, but it isn't the same as hugging them. I miss my grandchildren. I miss them so much. But on to a lighter note.
I miss getting my hair done by a professional. I am still trying to grow out from a bad haircut. On a whim, I dashed into the hair cut joint at Walmart to clean up the back of my hair. Big mistake, he chopped a chunk out of the side of my hair. He spent the next hour trying to clean it up and finally mentioned how cool it would be to have a haircut with one side shorter than the other. I said, not for me, then he continued to cut. He had no choice but to announce that he made a mistake. Oh and no charge for the haircut. I smiled and said thank you. What could I do? So now I am two months on the grow out and it gets worse everyday.
I miss getting manicures and pedicures every two weeks. I have had artificial nails for more years than I care to remember, but now I am growing my own and need to keep them up myself. They split and crack, and I file. All the while trying to keep them out of my mouth. Yes, I am a habitual nail biter, which is why I kept artificial nails. Do they look nice, hell no, but they will do. After all, I don't go anywhere or see anyone so why does it matter. Years ago, a doctor told me to get pedicures because my toe nails were beginning to show signs of age. Don't you love it when a doctor tells you, your toes are aging fast than the rest of you. So I did and I loved it. It felt so good to sit and have someone else do your toe nails. They always looked nice and I loved the little designs. Plus I never had to try and contort my body into a position to prune the nail. Well, that too has gone into one of the things I miss. I do my own toe nails. I nearly dislocate my hip trying to get my foot in a position so I can reach the nail.
I miss going out to eat, even fast food. Of course my waistline likes the no fast food, but I do miss stopping by the In n Out Burger. I can't even remember the last time I ate a hamburger. I stay away and just eat at home. And that is something else the I miss, cooking. Living alone, I really don't cook real meals. I only cook the quick and easy meals for one. And groceries are carefully purchased, nothing is bought on a a whim. You know when you get that hunger for a roast beef dinner with mashed potatoes and gravy. No, it isn't in the budget.
I miss taking my cocker spaniel to the groomer and getting him bathed, groomed, nails cut, teeth brushed, and ears cleaned. He had over grown so much that a couple weeks ago my daughter and I shaved him. He looks ok, but not as adorable as he looks when he comes back from the groomer. I really miss that. And cleaning his ears, ug, that is a chore.
I miss getting up in the morning and hurrying to get ready for work. I miss putting on make-up. I miss the stress of the day to day routine of work. I miss traveling. I miss my credit cards. I miss driving in traffic. I miss my house being a mess because I don't have time to keep up with the dust. I miss laundry piling up because there is not enough hours in the day to get it done. I really miss buying new clothes. Now that I have lost 30 pounds, I could really use some new clothes.
I am sure there is more but that is enough for now. Maybe I will write next about the things I don't miss like the mail and the monthly reminders.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Feeling Worthless
OK, I just wrote the most depressing blog of my life, and read it over and hit the delete key. Maybe this is a place to empty my soul, but really, who wants to read about a woman who has lost her self-worth.
So now that I emptied my inner most thoughts and feelings and I hit the delete key, means only one thing to me. I have hit the bottom and now there is no place to go but up.
So now that I emptied my inner most thoughts and feelings and I hit the delete key, means only one thing to me. I have hit the bottom and now there is no place to go but up.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
This is very strange. I am sitting in the living room enjoying a cup of much needed coffee. I was checking my email, face book, and then looking through the Internet for articles when "BANG", a pigeon flew right into my picture window. Holy Cow, I nearly jumped clear off my chair. My dog, Tommy was so startled he didn't even bark. I am surprised the glass did not break. I got up looked out the window to see if I had a dead pigeon in the yard. It got up and was staggering off down the driveway.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
chatting on facebook
I was just chatting with a friend on facebook who is currently in Iraq. Just brings to mind the technology we have today. He sits in Iraq, it is 8 in the morning and just got home from work and me here in Arizona and we are talking back and forth like he is just next door. Amazing.
Last night I was commenting on my daughter's page in facebook about mailing letters when I was her age while she was a mess by not having the Internet for a day.
We definitely are in a different world now from when I was a kid. I am glad that I kept up with the technology. I remember trying to explain how to use a cell phone to my mother. It was impossible to explain to her how to get her voice mail and she was forever shutting off the phone and could never figure out why people were not calling her. Ultimately the phone was lost, I think it got tossed out in the trash by mistake. Bless her heart, she passed away in 2008. Mom, I love you and think of you every single day and miss you with all my heart.
Last night I was commenting on my daughter's page in facebook about mailing letters when I was her age while she was a mess by not having the Internet for a day.
We definitely are in a different world now from when I was a kid. I am glad that I kept up with the technology. I remember trying to explain how to use a cell phone to my mother. It was impossible to explain to her how to get her voice mail and she was forever shutting off the phone and could never figure out why people were not calling her. Ultimately the phone was lost, I think it got tossed out in the trash by mistake. Bless her heart, she passed away in 2008. Mom, I love you and think of you every single day and miss you with all my heart.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
First Impression of Class
The first seminar is usually information only and we really don't get into the meat of the class until week 2 or 3. Class was large, but as I have learned in previous classes the first seminar is attended by all and then slowly loose classmates after a week or so. We had 20 on-line. It is nice to see that many active participants at seminar. It makes for a lot of discussions to read and respond. It will be a busy week with discussion, blogging, and exercises.
The format of our units has changed and that will take me some getting used to. It is a good thing it was brought up during seminar or I would have missed things that needed to be completed for this week.
I look forward to blogging and actually am excited about the scientific paper for our final project. In Comp I, the paper due was informational and the professor told me I was writing with a bias, like I was trying to persuade the reader to my opinion. Had to change it completely since it was only information. This paper is one I really think I will like writing. Now to find the subject matter.
The format of our units has changed and that will take me some getting used to. It is a good thing it was brought up during seminar or I would have missed things that needed to be completed for this week.
I look forward to blogging and actually am excited about the scientific paper for our final project. In Comp I, the paper due was informational and the professor told me I was writing with a bias, like I was trying to persuade the reader to my opinion. Had to change it completely since it was only information. This paper is one I really think I will like writing. Now to find the subject matter.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Second year of school begins
This term is the last of my core classes needed towards my degree. I have found that going to college has been challenging. What started as a filler of my time after being laid off, has turned into an extremely fullfilling adventure.
It has been forty years since I have been in school. I have completed the first year and am so proud of my accomplishments. It has been challenging to say the least.
I am not sure if blogging is something I will like to do, but here I am.
It has been forty years since I have been in school. I have completed the first year and am so proud of my accomplishments. It has been challenging to say the least.
I am not sure if blogging is something I will like to do, but here I am.
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